Can't trust Guys?

Guess what I read, Dear diary,

"a great number of women are put at risk of HIV infection as a result of their husbands having unprotected sex outside of marriage or injecting drugs. It has been estimated that 90% of women living with HIV in Asia were infected by their husband or long-term partner"

From
Women and AIDS

Did you know that? It's from the husbands! :'(  reading statistics about that makes me sad. I just wanted to see if the majority of Guys really do cheat on their wives...
Can I even trust guys now? I'm scared! What if I get into a marriage relationship and that happens? Maybe I shouldn't marry.


I don't get guys sometimes. They complain that they're not connecting but they tend not to express their emotions. That's how you connect. and then try to justify cheating by blaming it on the women. Not right. How dare you. I read that guys still love their wives even though they cheat. That's a lie. A Damn lie. That's not real love. I will flip off any man who dares to tell me that he loves me after having done that.
How dare they say that they can't control it? You think We don't feel sexual desires? WE Do! But some of us try to be faithful. You do the dame. What's wrong with you?

I'm telling you Diary, Before I ever marry someone I'm wanna to tell him, "You stick to ME. Your eyes belong on ME. If you want to stray, don't marry me. Make that choice now."
If that ever happened to me, I would seriously kill Him. or Run away and never ever come back. It will be as if I never existed. There you go. Do whatever you want now. You got what you wanted. Hope ya find what you're lookin' for. Jerk.

I've returned

Hey guys!

Happy New year! (and Chinese new year)

This year I made a resolution to be organised and to be a better student so...that's what I'm going to do!
So nChristelle called me up the other day telling me that she didn't forget me...That's so nice because I thought she did and for a few days I was slipping into a depression and locking myself up in my room...I was even going to rename myself, "Helena" because "Kaetaj" was the girl who thought she had friends...

so anyway. I have two blogs:

My spiritual journey(which is beginning) and It is what it is down on wordpress.com, because I read a brother in Christ's site and it helped me...Maybe I can help people too. and entertain them.

I just came from class...Psychology...my classes are very interesting so...

later!

Deep love awakened

My favourite soap opera: winter sonata

He knows I love him...bet he doesn't care.
After a while of trying to get over the man I loved... I decided to Focus on other men and distract myself. And for a while it worked. I don`t see him often so It`s easier than before to just say "Yeah, whatever, I'm over him." But I'm not. Lord knows I'm not. I can fool everyone, even myself, but not God. Me and this man I love...we used to have something. At least, I hope we did...I wonder sometimes if I'm that desperate and willing to want to "see" love that's not even there.

Everywhere I go I have to watch myself. Because one minute I'm happy and optimistic about love, I`m broken. Sometimes I wonder if men can see through me. A family member told me that I looked like something was missing. "Yeah, so what? What are you going to do for me, therapist! Bring my father back? Didn't think so."

On a day like today I feel on top of the world but at the end of the day the world is on top of me. I walked out of an antique shop, crossed the street. Suddenly a man caught me eye, for a few seconds I thought it was my love, who I was taken away from. My heart was racing, My breathing sped up. Then I realised, that it was just a regular man. "What was I thinking?"

My heart was instantly broken. I`m "strong" one minute, and all it takes is a man (one who looks like him...) to break me down. I do love him, though.

I remember last year, how he reached out to me. and it ended. Now when when we see each other all we ever say is, "Hi, how are you?"

I never look into his eyes like I used to. and I giggle a lot. does he realise how happy he makes me? Even having him on Facebook makes me happy. at least he`s there so that...If I wanted to I could reach him.
He`s so close but so far away.What does he see when he looks at me? Does he remember last year... what we went through together?

I remember when we first got separated...Harsh November...and the beginning of the year was torchurous... January...February...March...April...when I saw him it was only for short periods of time. It made me go crazy...I wasn't the same again. It hurt me so much to be away from him. He was the only man who held me the way he did. His touch fortifies me. I'm stronger with him.
And now...Look at us now. There's nothing now. He doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did. I try to forget. we can never be together. Never.
I don`t have to guts to just go up to him and say, "...Do you remember everything that happened last year?" I wanted to tell him, "I'm not in love with that man...I love you. I never loved him."
My heart beats for you. Only You.

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Welcome Readers Warning/ Invitation Read this BEFORE You PROCEED

Hey there!

So right now I'm at the Dawson Library, where lately I've been doing my blogs. So I talked to a friend a few days ago and told him I was Blogging. Aldie, If you're reading this, yes, I'll be talking aBOUT YOU too. haha.
Yeah so then Aldie Baldie wanted to read my blog. and then I quickly went to check my Blog to see if it was good enough...I hope it is, anyway. Though I might have to warn you that I write these on different days when I feel different emotions, so please excuse me for writing something inappropriate that might offend you or make you think of me the wrong way.

By the way I saw him on Youtube Singing Last shelter and I was like, "I know Him I know Him!!HAHA" Having a heart attack and so excited to tell people, "LOOK. I KNOW HIM, NOW RESPECT ME!!"
But I know In their minds they're all thinking, Who gives a sh**? 
Well I do. Shut up and read the Blog, man.

Other comments on other videos(not sure where exactly, but I saw it)  said he looked like Sheldon from the big bang theory. Yeah! They're both so cute and Bald-ish...well not bald... whatever.
GO NEERDS.lol No, Baldie, Not you. You-you're not a nerd.

Hey. I'm 18 and these emotions, are new and I'm waiting to express them on my blog and blah blah blah who cares enjoy my Blog!!

You can comment if you want to, by the way.

Peace out!

           Kaebu / Kaetaj [Pronounced: Katie A.J.]- (whichever you you choose to call me)

Poem: No more

Warning: If you're in a good mood steer clear of this poem.

Hurts me that he's moved on
And I'm still here loving him.
I wish I could go back
and feel again
but that was then
for the better.

Still, the heart does ask for pleasure first
and logic last, if ever.

I hoped he'd love me
see me as a little girl
no more, no more.

In his eyes I am
never more than
the past

I hoped he'd love me
see me as a little girl
no more, no more

You see, I wanted to be in his world
now it's too late.
we're too far
and there's
no more, no more left

Foolish dreams fade away
but true love lasts forever.
letting go is the hardest
hurting is the easiest.

But I can't take it
no more, no more.
I'm tired and I can't
make you love me.

The Hot teacher: Struggle with Lust

Okay, here I go. Dear Diary,

Remember I wrote the other day how Ricky was a turn-off? well...Let's just say that My heart still yearns for him. Though, not as much as It used to. Partly because God doesn't want us to be together. For the better.

I have to admit that most of the reason I want to get married is because I'm a virgin and I want to do it so bad. And I don't want to sin getting what I want! We all know what it's like to be single, don't we???. I promise to my husband that I will be such a whore. For Him. No one else.. Then he'll think I'm special. Well, that's what my mom told me once. haha. Hear that, future husband?  Without everyone screaming at once, please.

I know myself, and my struggle with lust as a Christian is unbearable, or despicable. In the day when I'm wide awake it's hard enough to keep my mind(and body) pure, But at night the real battle begins where I dream all kinds of nasty things which, unfortunately for you perverts, I will not speak of. Too bad. *laughs out loud*

Anyway...back to romance. I was in English class. My English teacher, Mr. Atallah(a.k.a. HOT Arab guy) has the hots for me. I just know it. There was one time when I wrote down his schedule for his office. He says he's available "if we need to come and see him." I interpreted that as "Anytime" and I wrote it down on my paper. The next moment The teacher came to sit in front of me to see my work(and others) and he saw the "anytime". He started chuckling and then started talking fast and babbling things  like,"....well, not from 8 to 10 but I'm there most of the time and...blahblahblah chuckle chuckle..." Me and my acquaintance start giggling because we know, or more importantly, I knew that he likes me! WHOOHOO!! And then I looked at my paper. Next to the word "Anytime" the teacher added an exclamation mark.
 That was on my birthday. OH YEAH!! He wants me.

 I want to laugh so badly, but I'm in the Dawson computer lab right now. I'm not alone.

You know, and the funny thing is, Before I turned 18 and I was in the Baha'i Faith Mom always warned me against older guys (and I loooove me some older guys and the Baha'i Faith is older-guy heaven.) but just then my mom sighed and said, "Well, Kayla, an English teacher's the way to go..." ALRIGHTLY THEN!! HA HA thanks mom.

I like nerds too. Big Bang theory: They're all so cute! hahaha. yeah.


So anyway, next 2 classes I notice that when he's teaching his super hot teaching, he's talking to me and looking at me. I raise my hand all the time because, Hey, Hot Teacher, you're such a motivation. (I should call him the HT)
"Very Good, Kayla. You're such a good student! Here's your reward..."*strip *strip*
Oh, HEAVEN!!

Today After the HT switched slides for his teaching presentation, I was taking notes and he went to far, too fast. I raised my hand. He smiled at me. But it wasn't his usual smile, it was a smaller, admiring smile. And yeah, I smile back! So we had eye contact for a few seconds. Me and my teasing glances...
look at him... look away...and back...now smile...flirting complete.

Yeah, I'm a shameless flirt.  What you got?