supposed to love me.

For some people, the only man you can depend on is your dad. But is it
okay, and normal to want to be loved by a man? any man at all? I don't know anymore. I cant tell you. Because the one and very first man to ever love me...doesn't.


When we go to family outings with my grandma, uncle, stepmother and
brother and sister, I feel awkwardness and distance. When my dad was
driving me to the Chinese
restaurant where we were having our get-together, I tried to ask him
about things and he wouldn't give me a straightforward answer, or he
would answer negatively.

so there was silence and he would always glance at me to try and think of something to say but said nothing...


A mom can't be a dad no matter what; she can try, but It won't work.

Like the time it was my first day of high school, a guy tried to pick me up,
and offered me water, I rejected him. Then I told my dad, he was joking
about it " what? a random guy giving you water?" and I replied, "yeah"
he was still laughing. That's all he does, laugh, he is never serious.
He swears as apart of his humor. If I talk about serious things, he
would just laugh as if I told him a joke. I bet he would dance at my
funeral, too. and when he is serious, he's too serious, like grumpy. I
just realized that I act like that, too. how saddening.


when was in grade eight two years ago, My English teacher Mr. Dagenais, was a wonderful father, he talked about his children all the time.
Iwas late one time, and i told him my dad wasn't around, and he told me
that his father wasn't around either. That was a bonding moment. I developed a crush on him, but nothing big.

After school one day, I was doing an assignment, and he said " come on, I
gotta go home and see my kids" and I said, " you don't really mean
that," and of course the way my father was, I thought he was joking but then he said, "of course I do, they're my kids, I love them, they
are the most important people in my life." and I wanted to cry, "what
about me?" I thought to myself. "how very nice to have a father who cares..."

Another time I hurt my finger, in the summertime, and mom went to the
hospital because she had a baby, I asked him to take me to the
hospital, he said no. But he didn't say that word exactly, he says it
in a thousand different ways. " but it's gonna hurt. they're going to
cut your finger open..." and I hate pain. but this time I said I didn't
care, I just wanna get it over with, so it can go away. in those exact
words. He said no. MY dad said no.

When I was eleven in grade seven, my dad told me that if there was anything that I wanted, he would give it to me. He knows that I won't ask for anything. because
I'm kinda scared of him, saying no. the feeling i get when i do ask
him. I feel like I'm being greedy for asking, and then He starts with
the guilt trip that actually works.

The last time I saw him was on my birthday.no..my awards ceremony. He
didn't even call me. I had to call him. no Christmas present, either,
but that's not what I'm after, I just want to see him.

when I just added him on facebook, I felt queasy, and I looked at his photo album. only to find my brotherand sister there. I was happy to see them but sad to see them grow up on me.

Then I saw the whole family, Lara, Dylan, Jessica, Lara's two sisters, their
children, but no grandma, uncle Curtis, or me. "what about me" I said.
only the white family. He's ashamed of who he is...so he's ashamed of
me...

then I showed my mom my brother and sister, it drove her nuts. "where are
you." she said, that set me off. I wasn't really mad at her. I was
trying to keep it all in until my next potty break. I already made a
mental note of that.

And now that I think of it, If I never called him, he would go on with his life, and forget about me. He has a new family now...they're more important to him than me. Because they're lighter skin than me. He spends more money on them than me. they walk
around in name brand clothes, and I'm in rags.

I ask him I if I can spend time with him, and he doesn't answer. I need a father. I need my father. I need my dad. But he's no where to be found.

so i look for love in other guys and realize that no one cares.

character profiles in my blog

since I'm writing about them, I'll describe them to you...main charcters.

Ama-She's very straightforward, puts a barrier between people. She thinks she's soooo ugly because she's overweight, but I think she's pretty. I have a crush on her twin brother, Toni. nickname: cookies

Toni- Very intellectual individual, very cute(in my opinion) , kinda weird but still a very sweet guy. He makes me laugh sometimes because the things he does are so funny. I love him so much...He's not at all like other guys. nickname: Fluffy(cause of his hair)

Ali- very sexually charged person. huge boobs(harumph). bad reputation. strange emo characteristic in her.

Desi- my best friend, who isn't the smartest but I love her anyway. Attracts guys like CRAZY.

Vinny- endless flirt who tried to break up me and Desi.

Grace-friend in our group. Quiet and voice of a mouse(snowflake)

Sarah-another friend in our group. nickname:buddy(i don't know why)

Moving on...for real this time

I'm so stupid. Ever since I aded my ex, Bryan on facebook, i couldn't stay off his profile. I'll tell you details, I've mentioned him earlier in my posts.

When I was thirteen, I just moved to DDO, and I was a new girl in school. Then boys started paying attention to me. First this boy did, he was over-weight, dirty blond hair, and chubby cheeks; Bryan.(yes, I dated a white guy!) he was telling me about his friend Matt and how Matt liked me so. Until one day in music class, I was teasing him saying that he was gay and then he said, "How can I be gay if I like you?" "What?" Then he blinked as if what he said was blirted out, I was speechless. "Do you like me?" he said. I looked down and didn't say a word. Yeah, I do...

Then he started flirting with me in the library while Bryan was working on a project, in science. We had a grand old time. That is, until Bryan came in one day and said that he liked me, too. He always invited me to go to the library, play chess, do homework and stuff; it wasn't too long before he asked me to be his girlfriend.Was I starting to like Bryan? Should I be with him and forget about my crush on Matt, or tell Bryan, and break his heart, and mine?

So I came up with a poem that suggested my opinion:
letting you go...

I'm doing what's right
just letting you know
that i can't be your girl
i'm letting you go

I like you, i do, but just not enough
don't worry, you're still young
in a matter of time
you'll find true love

Please understand
i should have told you sooner; i regret not doing that
but something held me back;
longer than i planned.

And i'm sorry
please promise me
that you'll forgive me
i'm setting you free

When I gave it to him the next day, he asked me what it meant. I told him, it was a break-up poem, but since I always wrote poems; (even now, I have a strong love for writing.) he'd always read them and loved every one of them, he still didn't get it.

for a while, We talked on MSN, and had our laughs; he came up with the three words. "I love you." I practically died. "What?" "JKS" "what does "JKS" mean?"
The thing is, we were on MSN comunicating like this. I didn't know that "JKS" meant "Jokes" in MSN talk. That was my downfall. That AND letting myself fall for him.

(to be continued later...)

Back to school

I never thought I would be happy to come back to school. I mean, Why go back to school when you're near about failing everything and your best friend stole your guy, your love life is poo-poo?

All hope is not lost. I hope. I do go to school for one reason: Toni. Even though I'm not sure he likes me back...Maybe he does. He's a good friend to me, right? Right?!! Hina thinks so... and so do his friends. Speaking of which, where is he right now? Is he done his exam? Oh please. I really really want to see him before my lab exam starts. Right now I'm in the library typing out this blog, ditching my friends, Ama, Grace, and farah on the other side of the library. All I could talk about is exams, exams, exams. Which is good. For once I can concentrate; I have confidence in my exam. (I know, I know I aced it!! I just know it!!) *smiles* yeah...now I'm talking about nothing.

Wait a minute. I just saw Toni. He's done!!!! I'm so happy now. =D Now I'm gonna go talk to him.

Bad news

Happy new year dear diary,
I wonder what is in store for me this year. Will I be hurt again? or will I find someone new? I'll wait and see.

On Christmas eve I found out the worst news. It was about Vinny and Desi. Vinny asked out Desi on Friday; She told me, and he kissed her,she kissed him, all I know is that they were kissing. I always knew that he would like her, I had that feeling when she met Jeremiah. I was just getting so close to having him...maybe not...That day started with me bitching at Vinny. Luckily, Hina talks to him about my past; and then to Toni about me being in love with him. He said he would see about us.

Vinny did apologize, and he told me that it was actually Desi who came onto him. I don't know who to believe―they've both had a history of being liars. So who should I believe―the girl who steals every man I'm after, or the man who disrespects me?

my problems with toni-its so embarrassing--- (at the time it happened: oct. 17 /08)

when i told him it was my birthday, he told his friends and that my present would be a hug. he even wore blue, my favorite color. then i invited him, Ali and Ama to the movies. he was the only guy there(oops) so my friends made us pair up me and him, them together...it was really awkward. they went to get popcorn, left us together...he just started playing his NintendoDS ...and he asked for a hug at the end. I was a bit shocked b/cuz usually it was me who hugged him and he never hugged back. this time i felt nothing from the hug, like there was an empty feeling in my heart. isn't it supposed to feel the opposite? Have you ever felt that?

then at the arcade they started setting us up again... the little play ground(you know in mcdonalds?there was one in the arcade) they forced him to go in with me, took our bags and he just went through and left.. I left to "go the the bathroom" to start thinking but couldn't. my mind was blablabla and i came out, they had to go home. Their dad had to pick them up(my mom couldn't either, she was sad because she lost her husband that day) so me also...then i said my thank yous and left.

Ama was telling me that he didn't like me that much...hence the letter she gave me in my diary.

Oct. 20 2008

Kae,

after reading this book I understand your feelings for toni and ryan..First of all, If you did get back with ryan, i wouldnt mind at all, go ahead, its your choice, its not my life.. but i don't understand why you would anyway, personally,i dont like him because he bothered my brother.

anyway, im not stereotypical. yes, i think my brother is obsessed with videogames, computers and stuff but that doesnt mean im stereotypical. like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else. Maybe even get back with ryan, Toni isnt ready. sorry for writing in your journal. i feel bad now.
---Ama

I made a response letter:

Oct. 26, 2008

Ama,

You're right. You're absolutely right. when you said that he would only be interested in video games and nothing else, i didn't want to believe you, i tried to prove you wrong, but you were right; i found out the hard way, I thought you were just trying to dash my hopes.

I've been looking back on my journal entries in my book and i just realized― I really was coming onto him too hard, just like you said i was. I didn't know I wasn't expecting him to like me back, I was just hoping. and I don't get everything i want.

He's not my only focus. he's the first thing on my mind in the morning, but i have other goals in my life, too. When I wrote that i thought you were stereo typical, I didn't mean to offend you. And I'm sorry, I meant judgemental and it is my diary.

Just because Toni isn't ready, doesn't mean he cant like me. why do i have to get back with Ryan? he hurt me. he's a jerk.he...has a girlfriend. why would you even suggest that? If you liked my brother, i wouldn't suggest you get back with Quinn. I don't love Ryan. Sometimes I realize that I'm stuck between two worlds. But still. You were being honest, but still. I know you were speaking your mind. I am hurt. I like honesty, but I'm not strong enough to take it. So thank you very much for telling me that my dreams can't come true and I can't come to you for support.
-Kae

Oct. 27 2008

Dear Diary,

I feel betrayed by Ama, Ali, Toni... Can't believe she said that...I'm hurt so much. thats all i can say...

my emotions

Okay. So I spoke to Desi about her flirting with Vinny and she said she did it because she wanted to see my reaction because she knew I liked him. And then I told her that I kissed him, but it was on a dare, and he kissed me back, she discussed it with him and everything. Can you believe that? She told him everything! my inner thoughts about him were exposed; embarrassing―yes.

On my mother's birthday was when she found out I drew x-rated comics. I felt ashamed, and guilty that I let Ali and Ama corrupt my mind. My uncle was asking me all these damn questions,
-"Did the boys do this?"-my answer was no to his surprise.
-"Your friends?"-yes

-"Have you had sex?"-strong no with an attitude.. of course, I wouldn't tell him if I was...but I'd tell you, dearest diary.

Mom was pissed, because it was exposed to my sister, Nika, my 10 year-old sister, my punishment was that i couldn't go to my friend's party, and she didn't talk to me for a week. The only time we did communicate was when she told me what to do or nagging/blaming me for crap I didn't do. But everything is better now, I can go to the next party on Sunday. YES!!!

On Friday, Toni was really sad that day because he got into a fist fight with his sister, Ama. Toni, don't be sad...it makes me sad... I gave him a hug...because I like to see you smile...I'll do anything... smile for me. He hesitated to touch me back, and I saw that he was smiling, that faded; It worked. I felt happiness when I saw him smile― that's when I realized, I love him.

My anger towards all

I know i've kept in all my anger inside, so I'm letting it all out now.

Ali- Why are you calling me a dumbass? I'm smarter than you. What? please. you thought you where pregnant by watching the Maury show, you told me. Smart huh? Up yours Biatch. Yeah, fuck you too.

Ama-do you honestly think I care how you feel about me liking him? I can't control that and you know it. second of all, if you think im dumb, UP YOURS TOO. You don't know what it is to be in a single parent family. Don't compare 4 sisters to your brother who is a teenager. You don't even stay up with a cryin freakin baby when your mom is out partying. SHUT UP. NOW.

Vinny-don't you like Cassie? so why do you play with me? DON't touch me, Biatch.

Desi- I thought you were my best friend. how could you flirt with him? sometimes I feel like I can't trust you.