Sorrow...Woe...and more sorrow.

I was late this morning because I missed my stupid bus.(it's because I didn't have my lucky rock I always carried around.) I had to drag my ass to the secretary, so she could sign me in and give me a detention. Who's to say I won't skip it, huh? Why couldn't I stay home? I had to read that stupid book in English class. It was alright though.

When I walked in I saw from the corner of my eye that Toni was staring at me...I don't know why but when he does look at me I always turn away. Maybe it's because Hina told him how I felt about him in January. I'm afraid he'll reject me. It'll never work...we're complete opposite when it comes to personality: I'm bubbly and sensitive, fun-loving...he's very calm, serious, and...and...obsessed with video games and wrestling. He'll never like me. He thinks I'm pretty; that's about it.

I even tried an experiment last Friday: I stuffed my boobs(I'm already a C34 so I looked HHUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE), and I put on a tight-fitting shirt. With my thin waist, big butt, and average hips, he wouldn't resist. And he didn't. He touched me. (on the shoulders...) He was talking to me, and staring into my eyes...and standing so close. I already knew he didn't like me much. It was just a test to see if he had some interest in me. He actually did.

I thought of doing it again today so that he would talk to me again. When I did it last Friday with the boobs, My instincts were telling me that I shouldn't stuff my bra, because then I would feel bad about my size and myself, even if Toni talked to me more―if he liked me better that way, I wouldn't be true to myself in order to please him. I wouldn't be true to him either. It would be an illusion.

Why did Hina tell him anything? He doesn't treat me the same anymore...after science class she called to him ,"Hey Toni, here's you're lover!" I noticed when he looked back he looked at me and quickly turned back and then he walked up the stairs faster. I answered, "Hina, grow up." I was a bit hurt. but more in the Radio room when I was talking to Toni but it seemed he was ignoring me. Either that or he didn't hear...it happened a few times, actually. I was still hurt. He talked to Alex, he talked to Hina, he talked to Jeremiah (he's a boy but still...), it seems he talks to everyone else but me. Well he greets me with a high-five or props but he doesn't really start a conversation. I do most of the time.How can you be in a relationship with someone if you have nothing in common? I can't talk about video games all the time like he does.

I don't see what every one's problem is. It seems as if everyone is asking him to go out with me instead of me. I never said I wanted to be with him...I did before...but after what he did on my birthday last year(see my older posts) I got the message: he didn't like me, he didn't want us to be set up, but I'm sure if he knew what he knows now he would be a little more considerate. I thought he already knew I liked him. At least he's the honest type. He won't pretend to like me just to have sex. I don't want to be the "sure thing".

Those other guys...are always teasing him. Why? 'cause he's weird? When will they leave him alone? At most times when they tease him and make mean jokes about him, I have a strong urge to tell them what's what and take his side. I don't want him to feel that it's him versus the world...

My math teacher, mr. Randle told me to tell him how I feel and how people would be dead for messing with him if it was up to me. I always see him at his locker, full of sadness, reddened face...It breaks my heart to see him that way. It makes me angry to see them hurt him... next time I'm stepping in big time.

Just think of this: After school, kids gone except for Ama, Ali Toni and me(not completely empty) He's at his locker gathering his stuff, and I come up to him. After a moment of silence I say,"You know," He'll probably stop and listen. "It bothers me to see you this way," I stop and turn away. He looks on,"Why?" I freeze, "Is is true what Hina told me?" I pause pretending not to know she told him "What did she tell you?" He tells me then he asks,"Do you... love me?" I stare into his eyes...

Should I tell him yes? If I do I could ruin the friendship. Should I lie and say no? Tell him everyone is lying about my feelings for him and become better friends? you tell me.

Paths

It's a full moon this week, and I don't even know what kind of spell to cast. I'm wiccan, you see. I thought of a love spell to enchant Toni, but then I realized I wouldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Doesn't he deserve to be happy? choose his own love? I don't want him to be sad with me. I want him to be happy if if it's not with me...I really do love him. If nothing happens between us I'll keep him as a friend. Everytime he looks at me, I'm sure that what Hina told him(that I love him) is at the back of his mind re-minding him. I don't want it to torchure him.

I'm on a roll with my schoolwork(kinda). I'm just a little worried about my path. Where am I going in life?

What about Toni? will we ever be together?

Lately, Ali and ama have been treating me differently. They think I'm stupid but I'll show them. MY I Q is above average. I don't think theirs is. They don't seem to be anyway. Who cares anyway? I know I'm not dumb.

Toni was home, sick today. He must have caught the epidemic that's been going around the school...I called him to tell him the homework but i'm not sure if he was lingering or not. well, probably not. I'm just bored...So...nothing.

supposed to love me.

For some people, the only man you can depend on is your dad. But is it
okay, and normal to want to be loved by a man? any man at all? I don't know anymore. I cant tell you. Because the one and very first man to ever love me...doesn't.


When we go to family outings with my grandma, uncle, stepmother and
brother and sister, I feel awkwardness and distance. When my dad was
driving me to the Chinese
restaurant where we were having our get-together, I tried to ask him
about things and he wouldn't give me a straightforward answer, or he
would answer negatively.

so there was silence and he would always glance at me to try and think of something to say but said nothing...


A mom can't be a dad no matter what; she can try, but It won't work.

Like the time it was my first day of high school, a guy tried to pick me up,
and offered me water, I rejected him. Then I told my dad, he was joking
about it " what? a random guy giving you water?" and I replied, "yeah"
he was still laughing. That's all he does, laugh, he is never serious.
He swears as apart of his humor. If I talk about serious things, he
would just laugh as if I told him a joke. I bet he would dance at my
funeral, too. and when he is serious, he's too serious, like grumpy. I
just realized that I act like that, too. how saddening.


when was in grade eight two years ago, My English teacher Mr. Dagenais, was a wonderful father, he talked about his children all the time.
Iwas late one time, and i told him my dad wasn't around, and he told me
that his father wasn't around either. That was a bonding moment. I developed a crush on him, but nothing big.

After school one day, I was doing an assignment, and he said " come on, I
gotta go home and see my kids" and I said, " you don't really mean
that," and of course the way my father was, I thought he was joking but then he said, "of course I do, they're my kids, I love them, they
are the most important people in my life." and I wanted to cry, "what
about me?" I thought to myself. "how very nice to have a father who cares..."

Another time I hurt my finger, in the summertime, and mom went to the
hospital because she had a baby, I asked him to take me to the
hospital, he said no. But he didn't say that word exactly, he says it
in a thousand different ways. " but it's gonna hurt. they're going to
cut your finger open..." and I hate pain. but this time I said I didn't
care, I just wanna get it over with, so it can go away. in those exact
words. He said no. MY dad said no.

When I was eleven in grade seven, my dad told me that if there was anything that I wanted, he would give it to me. He knows that I won't ask for anything. because
I'm kinda scared of him, saying no. the feeling i get when i do ask
him. I feel like I'm being greedy for asking, and then He starts with
the guilt trip that actually works.

The last time I saw him was on my birthday.no..my awards ceremony. He
didn't even call me. I had to call him. no Christmas present, either,
but that's not what I'm after, I just want to see him.

when I just added him on facebook, I felt queasy, and I looked at his photo album. only to find my brotherand sister there. I was happy to see them but sad to see them grow up on me.

Then I saw the whole family, Lara, Dylan, Jessica, Lara's two sisters, their
children, but no grandma, uncle Curtis, or me. "what about me" I said.
only the white family. He's ashamed of who he is...so he's ashamed of
me...

then I showed my mom my brother and sister, it drove her nuts. "where are
you." she said, that set me off. I wasn't really mad at her. I was
trying to keep it all in until my next potty break. I already made a
mental note of that.

And now that I think of it, If I never called him, he would go on with his life, and forget about me. He has a new family now...they're more important to him than me. Because they're lighter skin than me. He spends more money on them than me. they walk
around in name brand clothes, and I'm in rags.

I ask him I if I can spend time with him, and he doesn't answer. I need a father. I need my father. I need my dad. But he's no where to be found.

so i look for love in other guys and realize that no one cares.

character profiles in my blog

since I'm writing about them, I'll describe them to you...main charcters.

Ama-She's very straightforward, puts a barrier between people. She thinks she's soooo ugly because she's overweight, but I think she's pretty. I have a crush on her twin brother, Toni. nickname: cookies

Toni- Very intellectual individual, very cute(in my opinion) , kinda weird but still a very sweet guy. He makes me laugh sometimes because the things he does are so funny. I love him so much...He's not at all like other guys. nickname: Fluffy(cause of his hair)

Ali- very sexually charged person. huge boobs(harumph). bad reputation. strange emo characteristic in her.

Desi- my best friend, who isn't the smartest but I love her anyway. Attracts guys like CRAZY.

Vinny- endless flirt who tried to break up me and Desi.

Grace-friend in our group. Quiet and voice of a mouse(snowflake)

Sarah-another friend in our group. nickname:buddy(i don't know why)

Moving on...for real this time

I'm so stupid. Ever since I aded my ex, Bryan on facebook, i couldn't stay off his profile. I'll tell you details, I've mentioned him earlier in my posts.

When I was thirteen, I just moved to DDO, and I was a new girl in school. Then boys started paying attention to me. First this boy did, he was over-weight, dirty blond hair, and chubby cheeks; Bryan.(yes, I dated a white guy!) he was telling me about his friend Matt and how Matt liked me so. Until one day in music class, I was teasing him saying that he was gay and then he said, "How can I be gay if I like you?" "What?" Then he blinked as if what he said was blirted out, I was speechless. "Do you like me?" he said. I looked down and didn't say a word. Yeah, I do...

Then he started flirting with me in the library while Bryan was working on a project, in science. We had a grand old time. That is, until Bryan came in one day and said that he liked me, too. He always invited me to go to the library, play chess, do homework and stuff; it wasn't too long before he asked me to be his girlfriend.Was I starting to like Bryan? Should I be with him and forget about my crush on Matt, or tell Bryan, and break his heart, and mine?

So I came up with a poem that suggested my opinion:
letting you go...

I'm doing what's right
just letting you know
that i can't be your girl
i'm letting you go

I like you, i do, but just not enough
don't worry, you're still young
in a matter of time
you'll find true love

Please understand
i should have told you sooner; i regret not doing that
but something held me back;
longer than i planned.

And i'm sorry
please promise me
that you'll forgive me
i'm setting you free

When I gave it to him the next day, he asked me what it meant. I told him, it was a break-up poem, but since I always wrote poems; (even now, I have a strong love for writing.) he'd always read them and loved every one of them, he still didn't get it.

for a while, We talked on MSN, and had our laughs; he came up with the three words. "I love you." I practically died. "What?" "JKS" "what does "JKS" mean?"
The thing is, we were on MSN comunicating like this. I didn't know that "JKS" meant "Jokes" in MSN talk. That was my downfall. That AND letting myself fall for him.

(to be continued later...)

Back to school

I never thought I would be happy to come back to school. I mean, Why go back to school when you're near about failing everything and your best friend stole your guy, your love life is poo-poo?

All hope is not lost. I hope. I do go to school for one reason: Toni. Even though I'm not sure he likes me back...Maybe he does. He's a good friend to me, right? Right?!! Hina thinks so... and so do his friends. Speaking of which, where is he right now? Is he done his exam? Oh please. I really really want to see him before my lab exam starts. Right now I'm in the library typing out this blog, ditching my friends, Ama, Grace, and farah on the other side of the library. All I could talk about is exams, exams, exams. Which is good. For once I can concentrate; I have confidence in my exam. (I know, I know I aced it!! I just know it!!) *smiles* yeah...now I'm talking about nothing.

Wait a minute. I just saw Toni. He's done!!!! I'm so happy now. =D Now I'm gonna go talk to him.