Hamster yay!!!!

Nowadays...

And Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
I pray that it won't happen; Please goddess, anyone but Alex. I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...

Nowadays things between Ami and I are going well. We've bonded a lot over the few months. I remember how it used to be...

like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him and expect him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else.

I knew she hated me before. I wonder if she thought i was a dumb bitch before. She probably did. He wasn't all I concentrated on. It's over. gone. why am I still freaking out? It still hurts when I read it back because I remember my birthday heartbreak. worst. birthday. ever.

I don't hate you, Chino said, In fact, I like you.
On friday, He made me laugh really hard. Does he know that I like him? It took me months to clear my name of liking him and people going around suggesting we go out. He treated me differently then. Now, It's like we're good friends. I've made it to step one to being in his heart: be his friend. I notice how sometimes he embarrasses Ami(and me sometimes) but when he plays videogames I'm so proud of him. If he does become mine, then i can brag about him.

Bitch: My man is a doctor.
Me: Well my man is the best videogame player in the world, BIATCH!!!


Yeah. So i do get turned on when he sets up a VCR...especially when he's right in front of me and his ass is facing me...yeah, that could be it. I love him. I love Ami, too.(not in the same way!!) I'm afraid of losing them when I move...and when I go to College. A nerve Ami said once: "If you want we could fight so you don't have to be sad about leaving." I wanted to say, "You bitch! Why would you even suggest that? Why would you want me to risk losing you, especially when I'll never find anyone like you...ever...?" but i didn't. I hid it all behind a smile.
I will fight for him and Ami. I'll not lose them to fate. I'll be damned!!!

Fasting

Starting today, my sister, Nika and I are starting to fast. She wanted to fast because she said she would feel bad if she didn't. I'm just supporting her. It is torture-- I mean, come on! wake up early (3:30)in the morning to eat then wait until 7:30 in the evening to start eating again. FUCK!!! On the other hand, I see it as an opportunity to lose more of my tummy. I feel really bad about myself lately. My stomach isn't as flat as Ali's. I'm not fat, it's just that at the top of my stomach, it's round. I want to have the attention Ali gets from Toni. So I will do it.

Jeremiah and Ali were all talking dirty and then Toni said something that was so perverted then Jeremiah felt that he had to "kill" him. Toni runs behind me and says, "Kae, Protect me!" then I said, "You never protect me!" In a small voice. I look at him, and I realize that I really love him. Oh my gosh. His Fluffy hair, his body is a little chubby but I don't care. He voice, he walk, everything. Well, not everything. Sometimes he can act egotistical and asshole-ish and annoying, but then I forgive him and I forget. He is a good person. I can't wait to see him again tomorrow, dear diary, and I'll tell you what happened to me last week!

The dream

I've recently downloaded 3 piano songs, for my meditation, they were really relaxing and even sad, (or at least, they provoke sad thoughts.) I spent most of the night crying Because I was imagining if something bad happened to Toni and I couldn't save him, I would be devastated. but if I did save him, he would see how much I loved him, because I would be in tears praying for him to stay alive for me. And...he would hug me. He's still here...nothing bad happened; so stop imagining that!

When I finlly fell asleep which was about 4:40 am, I had a dream...not just any dream.
I was on an escalator going down, with my friends, Ali and Ama, Toni, was right in front of me leaning on the railing, open arms for me to fill. It was a long, comforting hug. My friends behind me were teasing but we didn't care. It actually felt like he loved me...It felt so good...when I woke up, I was in a relatively good mood exceptfor the part when my sister Mani took of her diaper filled with shit and put it on my bed saying "Kae, see make a poo!" . Talk about a rude awakening.

A secret revealed

Dear Diary,

There was a secret I haven't told you...when I got with Kai, it was so I could forget about toni, and for a while, I thought I did... but then I realized that I still loved him. After that, my heart began to be locked away from him, showing nothing but anger... and hostiliy... I was forced to kiss him, I didn't want to. On our last goodbye, he said he loved me but I didn't answer; I just stared at him. Feeling really sorry for him, because I didn't love him back, I loved Toni...


Within Peace brings love;
Love in peace.
and love finds love
but also hurt.
From hurt is hate;
hate in hurt.
and hate in war;
war and hate.
Hate is hurt;
hurt in love.
and peace is love;
love in peace.

*At one point, I was convinced that his feelings did exist there for me…but then Ali comes around, and I lose it. I can’t break the past of them knowing each other so long…and sometimes, I see in pictures they’re so close. It’s painful for me to look at. I can’t STAND it when she’s near him. What is it that she has that I don’t have?

I couldn’t tell her I was so jealous. It kills me how I hated my own friend… I don’t hate her…I just can’t if I love her at the same time. It’s an evil thing, what love and jealousy can do. All because of some boy …I locked my heart from any other guy, my lips are for him to kiss only. My arms are for his hugs only, my eyes only look at him…If I could yell to the world, how I felt about him, I would. And I’ll tell him. I love you, Toni.

I love you, Toni...
I love you, Toni...
Toni...I love you...

Those words I can never say to him. I've planned out different ways to tell him, but at the last moment I chicken out. He was nice to me once during summerschool...We were all alone sitting and watching movie on his MP3, I made some jokes, he laughed. Then at the last laugh, he crossed his leg toward me and moved closer to me so we were touching. I got so nervous. When we were visiting Ama in her summer math program, we had our report cards (I got a better mark than him.) the he said, "She passed cause she's cute." guess what I was thinking. Does he... Really think I'm cute? Does he like me? Or is that it...am i just a pretty face to him? Ama did seem shocked to hear that from him.

Through tears I told Ama for the first time that I envied Ali because of how Toni drools over her. I told her that I have tried to move on, but evertime i try, Something always goes wrong and brings me back to him. I tried. I tried. Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
One of my greatest nightmares is if Toni finds himself a girlfriend in college, and they have sex, I will be heartbroken.
I pray that it won't happen, I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...

new beginnings

I know for a fact that Toni and I will never be together. Never in a million years. I loved him more than I can say... but It wasn't returned and it never will be...

I did find someone else. Kai was my boyfriend for about 3 weeks and a half. He was very affectionate and annoying at times. I really did like him...but he had to move away...my first real boyfriend is gone now. But I wished it so. And now it's time...For new beginnings

For a while now, I find myself lost in my thoughts thinking about school, friends, all that stuff― I didn't mean for it to happen. More often then I realize, I gaze at him during class and thinking about how beautiful he is inside and out, thinking about how much I love him, and that he has potential in life. And the thing is, I dream about us...how happy we'd be together one day... A wedding...Children...then the wake-up call comes in: I'm only 15. Anything could happen; what about when he goes to college? He could find someone better than me, I mean, if I liked him, who's to say no one else will?

And he would be happy― So, So happy. But I wouldn't... I don't like to think about it much. I don't want to imagine his eyes or his hair on anyone else's child. I don't want to imagine another girl on him doing you-know-what. I don't want her to be walking down the aisle in the dress I should be wearing to his wedding. I know I can't control any of this so it would be pointless complaining.

I don't understand how I end up with these feelings. When he's angry, I am too, when he's embarrassed, I'm embarrassed. When he's sad, I'm sad. I'm happy when he is. I know he's a little weird, but everyone has his or her moments. I don't understand how girls just look at him and reject him like they do. Why don't they see him as a beautiful, smart, guy with a heart? If they did, he would be the heartthrob Of PCHS. They say to me, “Why are you so into him, anyway? He would be so much better if he was…” this, this and that, “You wouldn’t like him so much if you lived with him…” and “ He’s just not boyfriend material.” I can’t tell you enough how tired and annoyed I am of hearing things like that. No. I don't care. I like whom I like. You do the same; so don’t try to tell me different.

Sometimes they get to me. I say to myself, “Why on earth did I like him so much? Well, not anymore.” Then when I see him again I realize that what I saw before was just what I see now. And I soften up. I never forgot about him ever, I just kept lying to myself to try, so that I won’t be hurt, so one day, I won’t have to tell him, Because I don’t love him. But I will, and I do.

You ask, but what about him? How does he feel towards you? Does he know how you feel? No, He doesn’t…for the better. I only show it in actions and gestures, even when I try my best not to. I can’t help it. I’ve never felt this way about any guy. I hope that if I do tell him, it won’t ruin our friendship; (you know how they say there’s no turning back) even if nothing happens I still want us to be friends …and I’ll be there for him. He can confide in me… I just hope that I’ll be able to tell him before someone else does…


Property of

Miz.Poetic Rhymez
A.K.A.
Kayla Ali- Joseph
A.K.A.
Kae TAj


SOmeONE ElSe poem by me

Someone else in my shoes, my hat, my clothes
Someone else in my dreams, my world, my mind…
Full of crap, full of shows, here she goes
One, two, first blows
Stole my shine
Crossed the line.
And she’ll regret it this time.

Three, four, now she’s sore
Now her tears are gonna pour,
Getting up, now she’s asking for more.
Bang, bang, on the floor
All the gore
I’ve won, I have scored
I’ve killed her
Her spirit, hopes, and dreams
Nearly everything she had
Ripped to the seams
At times I would do anything
To take her place instead
But nothing now can ease my troubles
No one gives a damn
in my bed, my life, my head…