It feels like all my dreams I’ve dreamed in the past are history now. Writing was my first passion. Unfortunately, buddy went overboard and started correcting it even when I told her just to LOOK at it to see what she thought of it (Good or bad). It made me feel really bad because she wasn’t even correcting it, all she was doing was changing the story and saying, “I’m” isn’t used and makes it seem immature. I see “I’m” in books all the time. She isn’t my teacher. I was thinking like, what the fuck. Next I found a new passion, languages, but mainly Japanese. My mom burned that. She really didn’t have to. People always crush my dreams. As I watched my hard work in like what? 50 pages? All my Kanji and flashcards are gone. She even had the nerve to say: “I did it because I care.” BULLSHIT. I worked so hard on it. At least I had another book; but my new one had upgrades…
I’ve worked around that—I’m printing out everything and recopying my book. That’ll show her.
For a while I had hope of Toni and I becoming close friends moving to the next level. I even decided I wanted to ask him out; my instincts decided against it. Ami and I even became closer going to the lake. Such a beautiful view it had. She even offers to hold my things, like when I did that for her. I had a cold (still do). I’m mad for her. I guess I hope she feels the same way about me, too. I can’t remember our exact words but what really stood out at me was when I said, “This is…so beautiful…” Then she said, “It’s our place, man” and she hugged me. It seemed lately her attitude was “anything to be with you” towards me. It was her special place and she wanted to share it with me. Me. Kae-freakin-Taj. That’s me. I love having her to myself, because we connect. She tells me her problems, and I listen (I love her voice.) and I tell her my problems, she listens. The one thing I don’t like is when Alex comes around, she talks so much; sometimes about her boyfriend (I like her, though…I just came out of a super jealousy stage about Toni supposedly liking her, I was so envious, I almost hated her, but I kept shrugging it off.) she touches Ami and flirts with her. Strangely, sometimes Ami looks at my reaction, but she doesn’t see it (At least I hope not) I usually get really jealous. One time Alex with her big boobs came and got Ami a cookie from the cafeteria (the best ever cookies) and Ami hugged her (I was sooo jealous).
“That’s what best friends are for,” Alex says.
“But—but…I’m her best friend, too…” I say.
“Yeah but I saw her naked so we’re closer!” She says rudely. She has this attitude problem or something. I like her but she really bugs me sometimes. That really bugged me. I guess that was a “back off” comment. Maybe she likes her too. I mean, she’s also bi. Sometimes I wonder when her mouth it going on chattering, if she ever listens to Ami.
It all started when I started to be really clumsy around her, and at lunch I would catch her staring at me, then I look back, become magically clumsy again when our eyes meet again. She would give me these super nice hugs (spooning like a couple would) that felt so good and, sometimes I had bangs in front of my face, she would move my hair out of my face. Even in the bathroom sometimes she would stare at me and I would say to her, “Why are you staring at me?”
“Cuz you’re pretty…”
I even brought her an extra lunch because she would have none. But then she said, “Is it like in Japan to make a lunch for someone they liked?” I said it is but I liked her as a friend. So she was suspicious. Then she talked to Alex and I would be feeling… jealous? But I didn’t know why. And then it hit me. I did like her. When I told her I thought she would ditch me, but she didn’t. I was so relieved.
We’re supposedly “married”. It’s a game everyone plays, sort of. Ami hugs me; I think it’s called spooning, and I think she’s starting to act like she likes me. I wonder if she hugs me like that because we’re “married” or maybe…maybe…well, I notice people stare at us like maybe we’re…I kind of hope we look like one…maybe a straight girl can fall for a bi/lesbian. Right? Maybe she’s…just being nice. Maybe it’s all an act because we’re married. Yeah, that’s it. Besides…after all this time, who would like me, anyway?
The second day we went to the lake, Toni and Jeri followed, and Toni would get in between Ami and me. I was next to Ami and it was quiet while we watched the sun set over the lake. I was thinking about having freedom on my own at last, but I was also fantasizing about us staring at each other and then slowly getting nearer and nearer…then kiss. “What’s on your mind?” Ami asked out of the blue.
“I’m wishing for my freedom.” I partly told the truth. What a twist of fate that she asked that when I was thinking something strange as that.
That time I went home, mom was pissed at me and said I can’t go on friends’ outings for 2 months. (Deadly Punishment!!)
On Monday, Vicki came to me saying that she played a bad joke on her bf…he broke up with her and she told me she might be…pregnant. After school, we went to the clinic, “lost” the boys Jeri and Toni.
On Friday, Mom was watching freakin Dr. Phil. She asked me if I ever thought of committing suicide. I said, “Yes, when I was 13.” She started to cry instantly, begging me not to ever, ever do it. Which is kind of funny because if I were gone she would have been too late.
On the weekend…I’m still missing Ami…I mean, I really want to go back to the lake and make a wish at the shore.
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