Late notice...yeah...

Dear diary...

I know it's a little late but HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! My resolution was to become more reserved. (FAIL!!) And also to make decisions based on logic and not emotions(there's still hope!!)

Lately, Ami and I have been closer and closer...my emotions got a hold of me when my troubles got to me:

1) My dad put his middle finger at me and I miss him.
2) I missed Cassandra...It was my fault I forgot about her(long story...)!!
3) Mom not supporting me speaking Japanese...
4) Being lonely forever...(Because of the stereotype, black women are mean.)


Sometimes I doll myself up, but I don't even know why I do. I mean, it's not like anyone looks(Or maybe I'm not noticing) Chino only watchess Ali anyway. But I'm deciding to give up on him. i mean, if we end up together, will he treat me badly, or bore me to death with his videogame talk?

Nowadays I find myself more into girls than anything. They're better than boys. I think they're harder to find, though. It's worth it. I find myself becoming lonely. Maybe love just doesn't suit me. I'm concentrating on school anyway. I'm going to Japan, anyway. I'll live happily.

L oathesome
Over- used
Violent
Evil

Bums
Over-confident
Yaks (what else qwas I supposed to write? I only thought about "B". *lolz*
Stupid

Penguins yay!!!

Hamster yay!!!!

Nowadays...

And Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
I pray that it won't happen; Please goddess, anyone but Alex. I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...

Nowadays things between Ami and I are going well. We've bonded a lot over the few months. I remember how it used to be...

like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him and expect him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else.

I knew she hated me before. I wonder if she thought i was a dumb bitch before. She probably did. He wasn't all I concentrated on. It's over. gone. why am I still freaking out? It still hurts when I read it back because I remember my birthday heartbreak. worst. birthday. ever.

I don't hate you, Chino said, In fact, I like you.
On friday, He made me laugh really hard. Does he know that I like him? It took me months to clear my name of liking him and people going around suggesting we go out. He treated me differently then. Now, It's like we're good friends. I've made it to step one to being in his heart: be his friend. I notice how sometimes he embarrasses Ami(and me sometimes) but when he plays videogames I'm so proud of him. If he does become mine, then i can brag about him.

Bitch: My man is a doctor.
Me: Well my man is the best videogame player in the world, BIATCH!!!


Yeah. So i do get turned on when he sets up a VCR...especially when he's right in front of me and his ass is facing me...yeah, that could be it. I love him. I love Ami, too.(not in the same way!!) I'm afraid of losing them when I move...and when I go to College. A nerve Ami said once: "If you want we could fight so you don't have to be sad about leaving." I wanted to say, "You bitch! Why would you even suggest that? Why would you want me to risk losing you, especially when I'll never find anyone like you...ever...?" but i didn't. I hid it all behind a smile.
I will fight for him and Ami. I'll not lose them to fate. I'll be damned!!!

Fasting

Starting today, my sister, Nika and I are starting to fast. She wanted to fast because she said she would feel bad if she didn't. I'm just supporting her. It is torture-- I mean, come on! wake up early (3:30)in the morning to eat then wait until 7:30 in the evening to start eating again. FUCK!!! On the other hand, I see it as an opportunity to lose more of my tummy. I feel really bad about myself lately. My stomach isn't as flat as Ali's. I'm not fat, it's just that at the top of my stomach, it's round. I want to have the attention Ali gets from Toni. So I will do it.

Jeremiah and Ali were all talking dirty and then Toni said something that was so perverted then Jeremiah felt that he had to "kill" him. Toni runs behind me and says, "Kae, Protect me!" then I said, "You never protect me!" In a small voice. I look at him, and I realize that I really love him. Oh my gosh. His Fluffy hair, his body is a little chubby but I don't care. He voice, he walk, everything. Well, not everything. Sometimes he can act egotistical and asshole-ish and annoying, but then I forgive him and I forget. He is a good person. I can't wait to see him again tomorrow, dear diary, and I'll tell you what happened to me last week!

The dream

I've recently downloaded 3 piano songs, for my meditation, they were really relaxing and even sad, (or at least, they provoke sad thoughts.) I spent most of the night crying Because I was imagining if something bad happened to Toni and I couldn't save him, I would be devastated. but if I did save him, he would see how much I loved him, because I would be in tears praying for him to stay alive for me. And...he would hug me. He's still here...nothing bad happened; so stop imagining that!

When I finlly fell asleep which was about 4:40 am, I had a dream...not just any dream.
I was on an escalator going down, with my friends, Ali and Ama, Toni, was right in front of me leaning on the railing, open arms for me to fill. It was a long, comforting hug. My friends behind me were teasing but we didn't care. It actually felt like he loved me...It felt so good...when I woke up, I was in a relatively good mood exceptfor the part when my sister Mani took of her diaper filled with shit and put it on my bed saying "Kae, see make a poo!" . Talk about a rude awakening.

A secret revealed

Dear Diary,

There was a secret I haven't told you...when I got with Kai, it was so I could forget about toni, and for a while, I thought I did... but then I realized that I still loved him. After that, my heart began to be locked away from him, showing nothing but anger... and hostiliy... I was forced to kiss him, I didn't want to. On our last goodbye, he said he loved me but I didn't answer; I just stared at him. Feeling really sorry for him, because I didn't love him back, I loved Toni...


Within Peace brings love;
Love in peace.
and love finds love
but also hurt.
From hurt is hate;
hate in hurt.
and hate in war;
war and hate.
Hate is hurt;
hurt in love.
and peace is love;
love in peace.

*At one point, I was convinced that his feelings did exist there for me…but then Ali comes around, and I lose it. I can’t break the past of them knowing each other so long…and sometimes, I see in pictures they’re so close. It’s painful for me to look at. I can’t STAND it when she’s near him. What is it that she has that I don’t have?

I couldn’t tell her I was so jealous. It kills me how I hated my own friend… I don’t hate her…I just can’t if I love her at the same time. It’s an evil thing, what love and jealousy can do. All because of some boy …I locked my heart from any other guy, my lips are for him to kiss only. My arms are for his hugs only, my eyes only look at him…If I could yell to the world, how I felt about him, I would. And I’ll tell him. I love you, Toni.

I love you, Toni...
I love you, Toni...
Toni...I love you...

Those words I can never say to him. I've planned out different ways to tell him, but at the last moment I chicken out. He was nice to me once during summerschool...We were all alone sitting and watching movie on his MP3, I made some jokes, he laughed. Then at the last laugh, he crossed his leg toward me and moved closer to me so we were touching. I got so nervous. When we were visiting Ama in her summer math program, we had our report cards (I got a better mark than him.) the he said, "She passed cause she's cute." guess what I was thinking. Does he... Really think I'm cute? Does he like me? Or is that it...am i just a pretty face to him? Ama did seem shocked to hear that from him.

Through tears I told Ama for the first time that I envied Ali because of how Toni drools over her. I told her that I have tried to move on, but evertime i try, Something always goes wrong and brings me back to him. I tried. I tried. Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
One of my greatest nightmares is if Toni finds himself a girlfriend in college, and they have sex, I will be heartbroken.
I pray that it won't happen, I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...