News from event

Dear diary,

i'm sorry for the random topics I keep bringing up but, i just need something to let out my frustration on...

Yeah, so it's lunch time at school right now, I'm still trying to recover from the event that occured yesterday: A fight that led to a stabbing incident.

I'm kind of embarrassed to be a teenager right now. I mean, our reputation as teens are already bad. THIS IS WORSENING IT! ami says that she has no sympathy for him because he's an ass, but I don't think he deserves to be stabbed like that...because he was defending a friend. I'm sure he'll change and see life in a better light. He'll be...different... I guess. The Paparazzi were in front of the school. I was a bit disappointed that there was only one camera. I STILL WANTED TO BE IN IT, THOUGH!!! It was just a rush.

I finally got through 2nd period now. LUNCH!!!

I'm getting over chino once and for all...He seemed nice to me yesterday. Liking him will just make me miserable because...maybe he won't like me in that way.

Late notice...yeah...

Dear diary...

I know it's a little late but HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! My resolution was to become more reserved. (FAIL!!) And also to make decisions based on logic and not emotions(there's still hope!!)

Lately, Ami and I have been closer and closer...my emotions got a hold of me when my troubles got to me:

1) My dad put his middle finger at me and I miss him.
2) I missed Cassandra...It was my fault I forgot about her(long story...)!!
3) Mom not supporting me speaking Japanese...
4) Being lonely forever...(Because of the stereotype, black women are mean.)


Sometimes I doll myself up, but I don't even know why I do. I mean, it's not like anyone looks(Or maybe I'm not noticing) Chino only watchess Ali anyway. But I'm deciding to give up on him. i mean, if we end up together, will he treat me badly, or bore me to death with his videogame talk?

Nowadays I find myself more into girls than anything. They're better than boys. I think they're harder to find, though. It's worth it. I find myself becoming lonely. Maybe love just doesn't suit me. I'm concentrating on school anyway. I'm going to Japan, anyway. I'll live happily.

L oathesome
Over- used
Violent
Evil

Bums
Over-confident
Yaks (what else qwas I supposed to write? I only thought about "B". *lolz*
Stupid

Penguins yay!!!

Hamster yay!!!!

Nowadays...

And Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
I pray that it won't happen; Please goddess, anyone but Alex. I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...

Nowadays things between Ami and I are going well. We've bonded a lot over the few months. I remember how it used to be...

like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him and expect him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else.

I knew she hated me before. I wonder if she thought i was a dumb bitch before. She probably did. He wasn't all I concentrated on. It's over. gone. why am I still freaking out? It still hurts when I read it back because I remember my birthday heartbreak. worst. birthday. ever.

I don't hate you, Chino said, In fact, I like you.
On friday, He made me laugh really hard. Does he know that I like him? It took me months to clear my name of liking him and people going around suggesting we go out. He treated me differently then. Now, It's like we're good friends. I've made it to step one to being in his heart: be his friend. I notice how sometimes he embarrasses Ami(and me sometimes) but when he plays videogames I'm so proud of him. If he does become mine, then i can brag about him.

Bitch: My man is a doctor.
Me: Well my man is the best videogame player in the world, BIATCH!!!


Yeah. So i do get turned on when he sets up a VCR...especially when he's right in front of me and his ass is facing me...yeah, that could be it. I love him. I love Ami, too.(not in the same way!!) I'm afraid of losing them when I move...and when I go to College. A nerve Ami said once: "If you want we could fight so you don't have to be sad about leaving." I wanted to say, "You bitch! Why would you even suggest that? Why would you want me to risk losing you, especially when I'll never find anyone like you...ever...?" but i didn't. I hid it all behind a smile.
I will fight for him and Ami. I'll not lose them to fate. I'll be damned!!!

Fasting

Starting today, my sister, Nika and I are starting to fast. She wanted to fast because she said she would feel bad if she didn't. I'm just supporting her. It is torture-- I mean, come on! wake up early (3:30)in the morning to eat then wait until 7:30 in the evening to start eating again. FUCK!!! On the other hand, I see it as an opportunity to lose more of my tummy. I feel really bad about myself lately. My stomach isn't as flat as Ali's. I'm not fat, it's just that at the top of my stomach, it's round. I want to have the attention Ali gets from Toni. So I will do it.

Jeremiah and Ali were all talking dirty and then Toni said something that was so perverted then Jeremiah felt that he had to "kill" him. Toni runs behind me and says, "Kae, Protect me!" then I said, "You never protect me!" In a small voice. I look at him, and I realize that I really love him. Oh my gosh. His Fluffy hair, his body is a little chubby but I don't care. He voice, he walk, everything. Well, not everything. Sometimes he can act egotistical and asshole-ish and annoying, but then I forgive him and I forget. He is a good person. I can't wait to see him again tomorrow, dear diary, and I'll tell you what happened to me last week!

The dream

I've recently downloaded 3 piano songs, for my meditation, they were really relaxing and even sad, (or at least, they provoke sad thoughts.) I spent most of the night crying Because I was imagining if something bad happened to Toni and I couldn't save him, I would be devastated. but if I did save him, he would see how much I loved him, because I would be in tears praying for him to stay alive for me. And...he would hug me. He's still here...nothing bad happened; so stop imagining that!

When I finlly fell asleep which was about 4:40 am, I had a dream...not just any dream.
I was on an escalator going down, with my friends, Ali and Ama, Toni, was right in front of me leaning on the railing, open arms for me to fill. It was a long, comforting hug. My friends behind me were teasing but we didn't care. It actually felt like he loved me...It felt so good...when I woke up, I was in a relatively good mood exceptfor the part when my sister Mani took of her diaper filled with shit and put it on my bed saying "Kae, see make a poo!" . Talk about a rude awakening.