From a distance

I stood and watched from a distance as my sisters clung to a relative begging him not to leave. This was strange to me. I didn't care whether he stayed or went. Why did they?

I turned to my mother, who sat on the couch annoyed with my sisters' behaviour. "Mom, was I ever like that when I was their age?"

"No," she said. "You weren't really attached anyone but your father."

She was right. When I was very young I remember only crying for him, and rejoicing when I'd see him again. The first person to ever make me laugh when I was a baby. Mom was always upset whenever she mentioned this. 

When I was 11, my father told me that if there was anything that I wanted, he would give it to me. I told him that I wanted to see him, be around him. I didn't get it. I didn't ask for anything else.

It's strange how the more I wanted him to be there, the more excuses, lies he used to try and keep me away. He blames me.

I haven't done anything. God is my witness.

I've tried so many times to be closer to him. There's a wall in between us; there's no passing it. It's too thick. Too late. He doesn't even know my favourite colour. How can he get to know me? I call him on the phone, and I can't think of anything to say. 

My mother always said to me that he cares about me. He loves me. But it confuses me that he doesn't call. His new family is more important now. For me to squeeze in...there's just no room. I just stand back and watch. It hurts to be on the outside looking in. He was my father once. I bet they didn't know that. It's good that they don't know a broken family. Even if I came first I'm illegitimite. I hate that word. It means I don't matter. Well, that's what it means to me.

I remember being young and crying at night, because I had a bad dream. When my father came out of his room, I thought he would scold for being loud. Instead, he hugged me and rocked me and told me that "everything is okay".

Everything was okay. He loved me. Past tense.

My english teacher was a wonderful father, he talked about his children all the time.

After school one day, I was doing an assignment, and he said, "Come on, I've got to go home and see my kids."

I thought it was funny. That was a joke. I started to laugh, "You don't really mean that,"

"Of course I do, they're my kids, I love them, they are the most important people in my life."

and I wanted to cry because i've never heard a man say that before. I was 13. I didn't think it was possible.

 I asked my father to take me to the hospital when i was 14. Even though I couldn't take pain, I was willing to go and get the mini-operation, I just wanted this pain to go away. But he wouldn't take me because it would hurt. My father said no. 

I've always promised myself that I would keep my own family together one day. I'll be damned if It breaks. If he leaves me, let it be because of death, not because he didn't want me; It has to be because he has no choice.