Can't trust Guys?

Guess what I read, Dear diary,

"a great number of women are put at risk of HIV infection as a result of their husbands having unprotected sex outside of marriage or injecting drugs. It has been estimated that 90% of women living with HIV in Asia were infected by their husband or long-term partner"

From
Women and AIDS

Did you know that? It's from the husbands! :'(  reading statistics about that makes me sad. I just wanted to see if the majority of Guys really do cheat on their wives...
Can I even trust guys now? I'm scared! What if I get into a marriage relationship and that happens? Maybe I shouldn't marry.


I don't get guys sometimes. They complain that they're not connecting but they tend not to express their emotions. That's how you connect. and then try to justify cheating by blaming it on the women. Not right. How dare you. I read that guys still love their wives even though they cheat. That's a lie. A Damn lie. That's not real love. I will flip off any man who dares to tell me that he loves me after having done that.
How dare they say that they can't control it? You think We don't feel sexual desires? WE Do! But some of us try to be faithful. You do the dame. What's wrong with you?

I'm telling you Diary, Before I ever marry someone I'm wanna to tell him, "You stick to ME. Your eyes belong on ME. If you want to stray, don't marry me. Make that choice now."
If that ever happened to me, I would seriously kill Him. or Run away and never ever come back. It will be as if I never existed. There you go. Do whatever you want now. You got what you wanted. Hope ya find what you're lookin' for. Jerk.

I've returned

Hey guys!

Happy New year! (and Chinese new year)

This year I made a resolution to be organised and to be a better student so...that's what I'm going to do!
So nChristelle called me up the other day telling me that she didn't forget me...That's so nice because I thought she did and for a few days I was slipping into a depression and locking myself up in my room...I was even going to rename myself, "Helena" because "Kaetaj" was the girl who thought she had friends...

so anyway. I have two blogs:

My spiritual journey(which is beginning) and It is what it is down on wordpress.com, because I read a brother in Christ's site and it helped me...Maybe I can help people too. and entertain them.

I just came from class...Psychology...my classes are very interesting so...

later!

Deep love awakened

My favourite soap opera: winter sonata

He knows I love him...bet he doesn't care.
After a while of trying to get over the man I loved... I decided to Focus on other men and distract myself. And for a while it worked. I don`t see him often so It`s easier than before to just say "Yeah, whatever, I'm over him." But I'm not. Lord knows I'm not. I can fool everyone, even myself, but not God. Me and this man I love...we used to have something. At least, I hope we did...I wonder sometimes if I'm that desperate and willing to want to "see" love that's not even there.

Everywhere I go I have to watch myself. Because one minute I'm happy and optimistic about love, I`m broken. Sometimes I wonder if men can see through me. A family member told me that I looked like something was missing. "Yeah, so what? What are you going to do for me, therapist! Bring my father back? Didn't think so."

On a day like today I feel on top of the world but at the end of the day the world is on top of me. I walked out of an antique shop, crossed the street. Suddenly a man caught me eye, for a few seconds I thought it was my love, who I was taken away from. My heart was racing, My breathing sped up. Then I realised, that it was just a regular man. "What was I thinking?"

My heart was instantly broken. I`m "strong" one minute, and all it takes is a man (one who looks like him...) to break me down. I do love him, though.

I remember last year, how he reached out to me. and it ended. Now when when we see each other all we ever say is, "Hi, how are you?"

I never look into his eyes like I used to. and I giggle a lot. does he realise how happy he makes me? Even having him on Facebook makes me happy. at least he`s there so that...If I wanted to I could reach him.
He`s so close but so far away.What does he see when he looks at me? Does he remember last year... what we went through together?

I remember when we first got separated...Harsh November...and the beginning of the year was torchurous... January...February...March...April...when I saw him it was only for short periods of time. It made me go crazy...I wasn't the same again. It hurt me so much to be away from him. He was the only man who held me the way he did. His touch fortifies me. I'm stronger with him.
And now...Look at us now. There's nothing now. He doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did. I try to forget. we can never be together. Never.
I don`t have to guts to just go up to him and say, "...Do you remember everything that happened last year?" I wanted to tell him, "I'm not in love with that man...I love you. I never loved him."
My heart beats for you. Only You.

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Welcome Readers Warning/ Invitation Read this BEFORE You PROCEED

Hey there!

So right now I'm at the Dawson Library, where lately I've been doing my blogs. So I talked to a friend a few days ago and told him I was Blogging. Aldie, If you're reading this, yes, I'll be talking aBOUT YOU too. haha.
Yeah so then Aldie Baldie wanted to read my blog. and then I quickly went to check my Blog to see if it was good enough...I hope it is, anyway. Though I might have to warn you that I write these on different days when I feel different emotions, so please excuse me for writing something inappropriate that might offend you or make you think of me the wrong way.

By the way I saw him on Youtube Singing Last shelter and I was like, "I know Him I know Him!!HAHA" Having a heart attack and so excited to tell people, "LOOK. I KNOW HIM, NOW RESPECT ME!!"
But I know In their minds they're all thinking, Who gives a sh**? 
Well I do. Shut up and read the Blog, man.

Other comments on other videos(not sure where exactly, but I saw it)  said he looked like Sheldon from the big bang theory. Yeah! They're both so cute and Bald-ish...well not bald... whatever.
GO NEERDS.lol No, Baldie, Not you. You-you're not a nerd.

Hey. I'm 18 and these emotions, are new and I'm waiting to express them on my blog and blah blah blah who cares enjoy my Blog!!

You can comment if you want to, by the way.

Peace out!

           Kaebu / Kaetaj [Pronounced: Katie A.J.]- (whichever you you choose to call me)

Poem: No more

Warning: If you're in a good mood steer clear of this poem.

Hurts me that he's moved on
And I'm still here loving him.
I wish I could go back
and feel again
but that was then
for the better.

Still, the heart does ask for pleasure first
and logic last, if ever.

I hoped he'd love me
see me as a little girl
no more, no more.

In his eyes I am
never more than
the past

I hoped he'd love me
see me as a little girl
no more, no more

You see, I wanted to be in his world
now it's too late.
we're too far
and there's
no more, no more left

Foolish dreams fade away
but true love lasts forever.
letting go is the hardest
hurting is the easiest.

But I can't take it
no more, no more.
I'm tired and I can't
make you love me.

The Hot teacher: Struggle with Lust

Okay, here I go. Dear Diary,

Remember I wrote the other day how Ricky was a turn-off? well...Let's just say that My heart still yearns for him. Though, not as much as It used to. Partly because God doesn't want us to be together. For the better.

I have to admit that most of the reason I want to get married is because I'm a virgin and I want to do it so bad. And I don't want to sin getting what I want! We all know what it's like to be single, don't we???. I promise to my husband that I will be such a whore. For Him. No one else.. Then he'll think I'm special. Well, that's what my mom told me once. haha. Hear that, future husband?  Without everyone screaming at once, please.

I know myself, and my struggle with lust as a Christian is unbearable, or despicable. In the day when I'm wide awake it's hard enough to keep my mind(and body) pure, But at night the real battle begins where I dream all kinds of nasty things which, unfortunately for you perverts, I will not speak of. Too bad. *laughs out loud*

Anyway...back to romance. I was in English class. My English teacher, Mr. Atallah(a.k.a. HOT Arab guy) has the hots for me. I just know it. There was one time when I wrote down his schedule for his office. He says he's available "if we need to come and see him." I interpreted that as "Anytime" and I wrote it down on my paper. The next moment The teacher came to sit in front of me to see my work(and others) and he saw the "anytime". He started chuckling and then started talking fast and babbling things  like,"....well, not from 8 to 10 but I'm there most of the time and...blahblahblah chuckle chuckle..." Me and my acquaintance start giggling because we know, or more importantly, I knew that he likes me! WHOOHOO!! And then I looked at my paper. Next to the word "Anytime" the teacher added an exclamation mark.
 That was on my birthday. OH YEAH!! He wants me.

 I want to laugh so badly, but I'm in the Dawson computer lab right now. I'm not alone.

You know, and the funny thing is, Before I turned 18 and I was in the Baha'i Faith Mom always warned me against older guys (and I loooove me some older guys and the Baha'i Faith is older-guy heaven.) but just then my mom sighed and said, "Well, Kayla, an English teacher's the way to go..." ALRIGHTLY THEN!! HA HA thanks mom.

I like nerds too. Big Bang theory: They're all so cute! hahaha. yeah.


So anyway, next 2 classes I notice that when he's teaching his super hot teaching, he's talking to me and looking at me. I raise my hand all the time because, Hey, Hot Teacher, you're such a motivation. (I should call him the HT)
"Very Good, Kayla. You're such a good student! Here's your reward..."*strip *strip*
Oh, HEAVEN!!

Today After the HT switched slides for his teaching presentation, I was taking notes and he went to far, too fast. I raised my hand. He smiled at me. But it wasn't his usual smile, it was a smaller, admiring smile. And yeah, I smile back! So we had eye contact for a few seconds. Me and my teasing glances...
look at him... look away...and back...now smile...flirting complete.

Yeah, I'm a shameless flirt.  What you got?

...Fading Romance?/ Religious Journey.

Okay so...I remember that post where I was talking about how much I loved Ricky and all. Now that my friend, Christie tells me how he cling`s to his mom, What am I supposed to think? She says I`m more mature than he is. Okay, STOP!! I`m 18, He's 33. That can't be good.  Well he did remind me of a little boy...what did I expect? He told me he was moving in with his mom. Suddenly I feel as if Ricky is a turn off. Do I love him less? Well, I still care about him but romantically, that's a turn off.

*******************

 

 

I was really happy today because I was realising the joy, peace and love I had in the LORD. Praying to God is a great feeling. The joy feels awesome.

I was thinking about the earthquake that happened in...Turkey. I started to think about what Jesus said:

"There will be earthquakes in various places."

Earthquake victims so far:

• Haiti 2010
• Japan 2011
• Turkey 2011(twice)

Earthquake Turkey 2011

Earthquake Japan 2011

Earthquake Haiti 2010

Who is next?

I started to freak out a little. He really is coming. The end is really near. I have hope. Jesus says "DO NOT WORRY." So I shouldn't.

My goal is to be a well-rounded lady and to become pleasing in God's sight. Jesus is changing me. I can feel it.
The test he put me through is nearly over. I am stronger now that I have God, more confident. Thank God. Amen.

Missing my love

As soon as I turned 18 I added my love on Facebook again because before I was forced to delete him. Now I see him in the pictures and I see that some of my comments on his photos are removed...like I wasn't ever there. like he's erased me from his ...world. Do i move on and forget about everything...Even what we had before...is all forgotten? Does he love me no more? maybe not...He has forgotten...or maybe he's disgusted with me. I can't bare it.

Lately the dream of marriage is something of the past. Not everyone gets married. some people are supposed to be alone. Maybe I'm one of those. The one who falls for someone forbidden to marry or even to touch. Still, I've never loved any more than I did that time. I was willing to give anything for him, but I couldn't, would it all be in vain? Will he play a game with me? I've never loved this way. At the end of the day he holds me...his touch fortifies me...When do I see him again...?

Working out for the best

I had a birthday this week and now I'm 18. YAY! well, my first week was pretty stressful because I was scared of not finishing my Humanities homework on time. Thank God. He is good.  But i realised something...Jeffrey is a nice guy. he's Christian, He speaks poetically, softly...so beautifully. that's what i like. I like Him very much. Do I have a crush on Him? I don't know. That's left up for observation.

We did very well on the oral afterall. I thank My bro in Christ and Jesus Himself for helping me. All I have to do now is await my exciting weekend. YAY.

Not what He seems

Today I had to watch me sisters in the park, and the usual trouble makers had to come in and bother them. They wouldn't stop.So I got angry and I picked up the sand( but I would never throw it at a little kid, I only did it to scare them away). And then the next moment all the women of that house came at me and started yelling.
The Grandmother said to me,"Fuck you!" She was french but that was an English sentence everyone got. The trouble making boys lied about me having hit them. That's why They came after me. I have a feeling that Satan was behind this trying to mess around with me. I shouldn't have said, "Fuck You, too!"  and gave the finger. Before I thought they were coming after me for no reason trying to attack me for doing nothing.
Later on I went to my mother and she told me that I shouldn't have picked up sand.

Then a woman came to our door. It was...Francois's girlfriend!! What was she going to say? She even started talking to me nice. She said to me in french, "When I saw you I said to myself that she's like me: fragile..." I started crying. OH damn. She's nice to me and I judged her. She was the peacemaker in the family. She wanted me to come and explain what happened. we're okay now...I'm not sure about granny, though...
After reflecting I shouldn't have been so rude...It just made me look bad...I said sorry to God.

I talked to Christie for a while about Francois and how i was jealous of her for being with him. She told me that he wasn't with her anymore. I had a feeling that happened. She told me he was cute but he had bad qualities.

• Play boy. He's not relationship material. He has many girls her plays with. Has sex with them.
• He smokes. Just like I suspected.
• He doesn't respect his religion. Everyone thinks he's good but he's not.(that's why He was trying to prove to me that he was good.) I suspected him at first.
• He always takes, never gave anything back to Christelle.

Basically, everything Zana told me was the truth. Christie slept with him and then he left her. She was trying to warn me. I believe that through her, God was trying to warn me(twice) to be careful and that he's really no good for me, especially with me fragile heart. I thank the Lord for looking out for me, as always.
Later I reflected on how I was jealous of Christie and how I judged her. I shouldn't have. She is really a nice girl. She even gave me her number so that we could hang out and stuff like go to the club(when I turn 18 next week, that is...)

Weird enough...all this stuff about Francois was supposed to turn me off of him but the bad boy stuff kind of excites me...that is so not good.

A new friend

She's a bit older than this but she's the same colour. I called her Bunny. But then Later on we all agreed to call her Tinkerbell. That is, until we realized that our tinkie was a boy, we named him Tre(Trey).

Last night My sister Onika and I were supposed to go to the grocery store and buy Chicken for mom. But on the way, we met a little friend. A kitten. We wanted to take her to the grocery store. We kept taking turns holding it.

When my mom saw it she was like "Bring it in!" but then she turned sour when she thought about the expences. She's ours for now, and we're happy, all six of us(except for mom). Today mom and I went all out for Bunny, buying dollar store cat supplies. There's like, a pet store across from it. It's funny, because people walk right out of the pet store with high prices, across the hall to the dollar store. SOMEONE'S GONNA GO BROKE. Just saying.

Anyway, I have to get cracking soon. I have a Humanities test in ten minutes. I hope I don't flunk it.

              Peace,
                         Kaetaj.

Strange dream

Haha. Okay.

Last night I had a dream that I was practising choreography for a concert. It wasn't any song, though...I was doing a Lee Hyori song and the crowd totally LOVED me!!
Anyway...After that The actual LEE HYORI came in, started acting like a total princess, and did the show for me and....somehow gave me HIV...huh. Not such a nice ending. AND that was WITHOUT a drink. haha. I love you, Hyori.
There's more Hyori where that came from!
some of my favourite Hyori songs!
U-go girl
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang
Mr. Big
Sway

Francis Lai/ Peter Kater

('http://www.youtube.com/p/BC20F314F8970CA4?version=3&hl=en_US',)


Awesome Music!

Hour of power

http://www.hourofpower.org/global/canada/watch.php?tid=watch

Hugs

I personally think that hugs say a lot. But we're girls...we overanalyze everything!
Haha. What I've learned from experience is that when a guy gives me a one-armed hug, he's kinda emotionally unattached and sometimes awkward. They kinda hug to get it over with. Some of these guys are uncomfortable even hugging their girlfriends! Don't worry..It's not you...it's them.
Pats on the back mean that the guy thinks of you in a strictly platonic way. Kinda like one of the guys. It's warm and yet too rough to be considered romantic.
Hugs of affection are usually when his hands are high up near the shoulders and your back is usually rubbed rather than patted or otherwise. But affection doesn't mean romantic! Which is why when you recieve a hug of comfort, it usually includes a little rub.
Romantic hugs are obviously the best. You will always know those. The ones that are really long and the guy kinda rests his head on top of yours or in the crook of your neck. It feels as if he's taking his time or breathing you in. If he bends down it's because he wants to feel your arms around him as well. Be aware of the placement of the hands. This is not me talking, but it's proven that the lower his hands are placed on your back, the more romantically or sexually he thinks of you. So if it's just above your butt, watch out!
You can find out more about this by doing research on things like body language. It's actually kind of interesting. Have a look!

Vulnerable women...Questions and answers..

Why do men love vulnerable women?
Isnt it morally wrong to take advantage of a vulnerable person? Are they doing it to be knight in shining armor or easier to bend their mind? Why????

Some said....

1. They're less of a threat.
Men need to feel needed.
They're easier to control.

2.It's because if you're looking to get laid, it's easier, and if you're looking for a relationship it's still easier. Vulnerable people usually have low self-esteem, and in the short-run that's easier to handle.



Do men feel more attracted to vulnerable women?

Some said...

1.Easy target, sorry to be blunt. I actually can't stand vulnerable gals, I like it if a gal can stand up to me and tell me I'm wrong. Someone to stick to her convictions.

2.Some men want women who need them. If a man is insecure, he wants a woman that he knows will cling to him, who is insecure also, so he knows she'll stay with him. It doesnt always mean he'll control her. It could just mean
A. He wants someone who he knows won't leave him because she needs him..
B. He wants to help her. Often, he'll know she'll cling to him, and he'll help her gain confidence.

3. OMG that's SO true! I've been very vulnerable lately for some personal reason, which is quite obvious to others and funnily enough I find that more guys are attracted to me now than before. They also find it easier to approach me now.


Are dominant men attracted to vulnerable women?

Of course. A dominant man is not going to be attracted to a strong, self assured woman. He wants a submissive woman he can bend to his will.

Korean soap opers: my princess

http://www.mysoju.com/korean-drama/my-princess/

Signs he likes me. YAY!

Romantic hug : he hugged me like this!
Disclaimer:I do not own these pictures.

Romantic hug: We hugged like this! Only his hands were lower...hhmmm..
Disclaimer: I do not own these pictures.

What they said....


I personally think that hugs say a lot. But we're girls...we overanalyze everything!
Haha. What I've learned from experience is that when a guy gives me a one-armed hug, he's kinda emotionally unattached and sometimes awkward. They kinda hug to get it over with. Some of these guys are uncomfortable even hugging their girlfriends! Don't worry..It's not you...it's them.
1-Pats on the back mean that the guy thinks of you in a strictly platonic way. Kinda like one of the guys. It's warm and yet too rough to be considered romantic.
Hugs of affection are usually when his hands are high up near the shoulders and your back is usually rubbed rather than patted or otherwise. But affection doesn't mean romantic! Which is why when you recieve a hug of comfort, it usually includes a little rub.
2-Romantic hugs are obviously the best. You will always know those. The ones that are really long and the guy kinda rests his head on top of yours or in the crook of your neck. It feels as if he's taking his time or breathing you in. If he bends down it's because he wants to feel your arms around him as well. Be aware of the placement of the hands. This is not me talking, but it's proven that the lower his hands are placed on your back, the more romantically or sexually he thinks of you. So if it's just above your butt, watch out!
You can find out more about this by doing research on things like body language. It's actually kind of interesting. Have a look!

No, that wasn't sarcasm.
I think that one-handed hugs mean little to people or they are preoccupied.
Two-handed hugs have many meanings:
If the guys hands are up higher near the shoulder it means its friendly.
If the guys hands are lower it could mean something sexual.
The tighter the hug the more it means.
The longer the hug, the greater chance of something more happening.


I don't think that a hug can always tell how a guy feels about a girl but sometimes it might be a good hint. A pat on the back sounds friendly. A one handed hug does too but if the guy keeps his arm around a girl for awhile then he could be trying to hold onto her while not making it awkward as a long regular hug. Also I'd think that if a guy holds onto a girl tighter or longer while hugging then he probably has more feelings towards her than just a friendship unless he's trying to comfort her.

your love- chapters 6,7,9

Thursday July 8, 2010

Your love

book 1 chapt. 6,7,9

 chapter 6 of book one: Truth

 There weren't any words to describe the hurt you feel when you've been betrayed. deceived.

 Anger. Dejection. Regret.

  

 Then again,"Zahira" was a liar.

 I didn't know who to believ. Zahira told me one thing, another told me different.

She told me that he got a GIRL PREGNANT. She linked herself to him so he couldn't be with me.

 Though I've found out his secrets, I still wanted him so. And he deceived me, but I coudn't let him go.

I hadn't realized how upset I had been until I talked to my mother. She told me I was sleep-walking the other night. Was there no one at all to turn to? I looked up at the miserable sky. and cried, just as David in the bible had:

Somebody, please help me.Is there a god  I can depend on? Show me you are there so I won't become bad.

The wind blew as I went on:

I don't mean to be bad when I am. Please, just don't let me be broken again--bring him back here with me. Please.

  

And I waited for my response.

  

 (notes/ comments:) ummm whoa! the writing is so small it barely takes up a page!!! It's so much bigger on lined paper...) 

************************************************

Saturday, July 10, 2010

Chapter7

Two days after waiting desperately for an answer, my love returned.

He had been looking for me, I knew.

Suddenly it didn't matter what kept us apart, I knew. God was there. He brought him back to me, for a while at least.

****

It was like I blinked and he disappeared. I hoped and prayed for his return, and the days I've waited felt like eternity.

I sensed he'd be back, then I'd ask him the truth-- the full of it.

It had been painful at times to remember us before that first disappearance. We were really something. I had loved and hurt so many times, so hard, that one day it might kill me.

Every reason I loved him kept me waiting. Gentle, sweet, warm, Guillaume...

I will wait for you..

  

(comments:) umm...maybe on paper I write too big???

****************************

July 23-25, 2010

Chapter 9

He never did come back.

Getting over him sounded easier than it felt, but I coun't let this go on any longer. I couldn't let every guy crush me.

But I did.

I have tried my very best to get over him week after week.

Finally my heart grew stronger-- a little, but still stronger. It hurt to try and forget the love I felt, but I endured it.

Then I started dreaming about him. My greatest fear was finding out that he was as bad as Zahira had said.

Two nights in a row I've had dreams about him. I knew he wasn't coming back-- I was sure he had a new life, and a new love. He moved on, so I coudn't I?

Because I loved him.

I tried to keep my thoughts at "He's not here, not coming back." Not a happy thought, but it kept me from extreme disappointment.

One thing I wanted to forget was pain.

"What happened to Guillaume?" My mother asked me, and it hurt me-- more than i can say-- to hear his name.

"He's gone." I answered. I was smiling, trying to hide behind my voice, stop myself from crying.

The truthwas, I didn't know where he was. How his name triggered sudden heaviness so deep, I couldn't stand the silence at night. I couldn't sleep.

He suddenly disappeared, and left me here with these unbearable people. In this God-forsaken place.

God left me with no father, and no man to love me.

He said he loved me, and I believed him. I was stupid. I was...broken, empty. How I pay for such fragility. Such folly. My heart  shattered.

Life goes on. a broken heart heals. Like every wound, there's a scar, a memory, but it fades away eventually.