Changes

Tonight, I'm making changes to my blog; My blog came from cheesy xox-love me in return-xox to Yaa fuck you tooxox and the green sub-message is from

"Dying cause I want you
Your always in my heart
Breathing cause I need you
I can't stand it when we part
Love you cause you're precious
Love you cause you're cute
Love you cause you're smart
Love you cause you're you..."

to a wiser, more sophisticated message. and I took off the drawn picture of me loving Toni because It just might never happen, really. I'm giving up on him now-- at least, for a little bit....anyway enjoy the changes

I don't get it.

http://www.korean-drama-guide.com/

Today....lately everything evoled around me being black. My mom broke one of my Japanese CDs, and she said that learning my own culture with help my self- esteem. But the thing is, she's right. I mean, If I'm among Japanese, white people and i worry about being single or something because I'm black...I guess I won't have to worry about that If I'm amongst my own.

In Drama today we were playing bench, an improve game and A guy said that she was the perfect skin colour and all that for a porn star. So, what am I? Too dark for beauty? I watch porn...sometimes and the black girls I see are kind of ugly. I only saw one cute black girl, without being dark skinned. We also played a piggy back game. Girls had to jump on guys' backs; I was thin and relatively light, but buddy...yeah, so you know. The boys kept dropping me on my feet and after that I felt like my heel was going to break off. I guess they think I'm ugly. "fuck, there's a black girl on my back."
Ami told me not to let it get to me, but it did...And so easy for her to say, even though she's part black, it shows in her hair, but she's light skinned...
on the bright side she said she'll pierce my ears a second time tomorrow, YAY!!!

I'm afraid that nobody in Japan will like me...
Now that I think of it, most of my insecurities are from my mom and sister picking and making fun at me. They like my reaction.

but...this thing about racism...It isn't fair...It's just not fair...

Character profiles in my Blog...changed

Ama(I changed it from Ama because it means "bitch" in Japanese; I didn't know that...)= Amimi(I call her Ami)-She's finally getting her confidence after a long period of emotional rain, man. She's my best friend, and I've developped a huge crush on her...she's so awesome!!

Toni= Fluffy-Very intellectual individual, very cute(in my opinion) , kinda weird but still a very sweet guy, sometimes he acts alittle jerk-ish because of the influence of other guys but still. He makes me laugh sometimes because the things he does are so funny. I love him so much...He's not at all like other guys...but I don't know what's happening between us anymore...

Ali= Alex- very sexually charged person. huge boobs(harumph). bad reputation. strange emo characteristic in her. Sometimes I have beef with her but when we get along, it's a happy party.

Desi=desiree=mini mouse- Super tiny, EX best friend, who wasn't the smartest for stealing two guys from me in a row... She still talks to me, I don't really talk back...acts like Caitlin from 6Teen. Attracts guys like CRAZY. More like: Attracts crazy guys.

Grace= guresu= snowflake-friend in our group. Quiet and voice of a mouse. Ami has beef with her because she's turning into a super toff, never goes on sleep- overs, wasting her time being boring...

Sarah= Buddy= Sawa-another friend in our group. I have a tiny beef of resentment because she did something to me.(see blog march 15)

Jerry=Jeremiah=Jeremy- He's "The hot friend" and Toni's best friend. Desi stole him from me.

Bryan=Ryan- My "EX" who denied our relationship and still terrorises me 3 years later. What a fucker!!! He tried getting Matt and me together but then we ended up together instead.

Matt=Matthew- best friends with Bryan in the past. My big crush from two years ago, and now Alex's current boyfriend. Things are going a bit bumpy. That's what happens when you date a jerk's best friend(in the past)

Vinny= Vincent- the guy who thinks he's so0 loved but in reality, every one hates him. he's the one Desi stole from me, too.

Blog --Entry march 2-13, 2010

It feels like all my dreams I’ve dreamed in the past are history now. Writing was my first passion. Unfortunately, buddy went overboard and started correcting it even when I told her just to LOOK at it to see what she thought of it (Good or bad). It made me feel really bad because she wasn’t even correcting it, all she was doing was changing the story and saying, “I’m” isn’t used and makes it seem immature. I see “I’m” in books all the time. She isn’t my teacher. I was thinking like, what the fuck. Next I found a new passion, languages, but mainly Japanese. My mom burned that. She really didn’t have to. People always crush my dreams. As I watched my hard work in like what? 50 pages? All my Kanji and flashcards are gone. She even had the nerve to say: “I did it because I care.” BULLSHIT. I worked so hard on it. At least I had another book; but my new one had upgrades…
I’ve worked around that—I’m printing out everything and recopying my book. That’ll show her.

For a while I had hope of Toni and I becoming close friends moving to the next level. I even decided I wanted to ask him out; my instincts decided against it. Ami and I even became closer going to the lake. Such a beautiful view it had. She even offers to hold my things, like when I did that for her. I had a cold (still do). I’m mad for her. I guess I hope she feels the same way about me, too. I can’t remember our exact words but what really stood out at me was when I said, “This is…so beautiful…” Then she said, “It’s our place, man” and she hugged me. It seemed lately her attitude was “anything to be with you” towards me. It was her special place and she wanted to share it with me. Me. Kae-freakin-Taj. That’s me. I love having her to myself, because we connect. She tells me her problems, and I listen (I love her voice.) and I tell her my problems, she listens. The one thing I don’t like is when Alex comes around, she talks so much; sometimes about her boyfriend (I like her, though…I just came out of a super jealousy stage about Toni supposedly liking her, I was so envious, I almost hated her, but I kept shrugging it off.) she touches Ami and flirts with her. Strangely, sometimes Ami looks at my reaction, but she doesn’t see it (At least I hope not) I usually get really jealous. One time Alex with her big boobs came and got Ami a cookie from the cafeteria (the best ever cookies) and Ami hugged her (I was sooo jealous).
“That’s what best friends are for,” Alex says.
“But—but…I’m her best friend, too…” I say.
“Yeah but I saw her naked so we’re closer!” She says rudely. She has this attitude problem or something. I like her but she really bugs me sometimes. That really bugged me. I guess that was a “back off” comment. Maybe she likes her too. I mean, she’s also bi. Sometimes I wonder when her mouth it going on chattering, if she ever listens to Ami.
It all started when I started to be really clumsy around her, and at lunch I would catch her staring at me, then I look back, become magically clumsy again when our eyes meet again. She would give me these super nice hugs (spooning like a couple would) that felt so good and, sometimes I had bangs in front of my face, she would move my hair out of my face. Even in the bathroom sometimes she would stare at me and I would say to her, “Why are you staring at me?”
“Cuz you’re pretty…”
I even brought her an extra lunch because she would have none. But then she said, “Is it like in Japan to make a lunch for someone they liked?” I said it is but I liked her as a friend. So she was suspicious. Then she talked to Alex and I would be feeling… jealous? But I didn’t know why. And then it hit me. I did like her. When I told her I thought she would ditch me, but she didn’t. I was so relieved.
We’re supposedly “married”. It’s a game everyone plays, sort of. Ami hugs me; I think it’s called spooning, and I think she’s starting to act like she likes me. I wonder if she hugs me like that because we’re “married” or maybe…maybe…well, I notice people stare at us like maybe we’re…I kind of hope we look like one…maybe a straight girl can fall for a bi/lesbian. Right? Maybe she’s…just being nice. Maybe it’s all an act because we’re married. Yeah, that’s it. Besides…after all this time, who would like me, anyway?
The second day we went to the lake, Toni and Jeri followed, and Toni would get in between Ami and me. I was next to Ami and it was quiet while we watched the sun set over the lake. I was thinking about having freedom on my own at last, but I was also fantasizing about us staring at each other and then slowly getting nearer and nearer…then kiss. “What’s on your mind?” Ami asked out of the blue.
“I’m wishing for my freedom.” I partly told the truth. What a twist of fate that she asked that when I was thinking something strange as that.
That time I went home, mom was pissed at me and said I can’t go on friends’ outings for 2 months. (Deadly Punishment!!)

On Monday, Vicki came to me saying that she played a bad joke on her bf…he broke up with her and she told me she might be…pregnant. After school, we went to the clinic, “lost” the boys Jeri and Toni.

On Friday, Mom was watching freakin Dr. Phil. She asked me if I ever thought of committing suicide. I said, “Yes, when I was 13.” She started to cry instantly, begging me not to ever, ever do it. Which is kind of funny because if I were gone she would have been too late.

On the weekend…I’m still missing Ami…I mean, I really want to go back to the lake and make a wish at the shore.