Betrayal(in my heart)

Of course I knew she didn't like me, but Ali was flirting with her Again. So that bothered me. I think I let my jealousy accidently slip out of me. She wanted to wear my crown, the thing I got attention from. She already gets attention without help; I need it. Then she starts playing with Ami's hair. I hate it. More than I can possibly say. Ppl also mock me. So I took it off, and I split from Ami +Ali= Me invisible and not mattering. I said I had to go to the bathroom. I can't bear it when they're together.

She was so sweet to me before...She hugged me yesterday so tight and so long that I felt like My knees were weak. then I sat don't at a computer and there he was. Sy, was next to me. It was always coincidence we were together... I hope I really have a chance...

Crushes

Today I had an exam in Biology, but that wasn't important now. To me, It was all about love. Love for me, is always deserted...I always feel left out...When it came to Ali and Ami. Our class was talking about prom and how cool it will be and Ami asked me to be her date. I was so happy. Is she joking ? I asked her and she said she was serious. I wondered if she liked me. Would she flake on me if someone asked her out. She said no. but I was still scared. She just finished talking to "Just", her ex from a few years ago and he said he liked her before, but he didn't say anything about now. Ami was hysterically happy. I was happy for her too. But I couldn't help but feel a little sad. Will someone like me? Will she flake on me if he asks her? ...This new crush I have, Sy, is in my friench class. I walked by him and he said "hhhmmm..." like delicious. Ya know? I was so flattered.
Yanni- my english teacher was so hot, I always get nervous near her
Tryna get ova Chino though...

And I wonder if Ami's hugs... are they real? I don't want them to end.

Disappointment

WELL, I guess my life is over 'cause Dawson College is gonna give me another chance at exams to get in. I'm so scared I might fail and succeed. And most of my grades were good, or at least reasonable. My dream program in languages was taken in Vanier, not sure about Dawson... And I tried applying online, but I can't find my transcript anywhere and I don't know what my permanent code is. I'm doomed for the second round. The deadline is Monday, April 19 (before 12:00 pm)-- today is Sunday, April 18. I'm screwed... I don't want to lose. I-- I wanna go to Japan. but my dreams are held up now...
My mom has been supportive of me. But now It's not enough.
...Is there nothing I can do?

I love you--story(not mine) from: http://www.lovefatedestiny.com/

--storyI have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…




“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.

“I can’t”

“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.

“No… I am going to meet a friend…”



He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…



Then one day…



Me: Um, Jin, I …

Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..

Me: I love you.

Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.

That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…

Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…



Jin: Here…take this…

Again, he handed me a little doll.

Me: What’s this?

Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.

Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?

Jin: Today? Huh?

I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”

Jin: You have something to say?

Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…

Jin: What?!

Me: Tell me

I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.

“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”

That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday...



After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.




Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?

I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…

Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…

I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.

Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!

I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.

“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…

Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!



But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…



Honk~ Honk~

With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.

“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.

“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.

That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.

After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.



Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…



“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls…

“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.

I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…



“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls,shocked.



“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.



“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…



“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”





The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…



For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life.

Hurtfulness

GOD(DESS) I hate it when Ali And Ami are always together...flaunting their friendship in my face!! Everyone sees it! they all think they're together but I hate it. I hate it like fuck, man. You know what I mean? Then Ali goes home it's like I'm not invisible anymore. i'm a rebound, like Chino said. I was really hurt when he called me his rebound...And alex, was the apple of his eye I always knew but I wanted to be wrong, so desperately. He kept hugging me, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hug him...rebounds aren't important-- and he just admitted that he liked ALI-- though not directly...(As if there aren't enough ppl gushing over her!!!)


Yesterday We all went to the park and Chino and Ami play fought. I saw Chino's stomach...It was so hairy, but his stomach, to me, was so sexy! i was sooo turned on BY THEM BOTH(tHE TWINS AMI AND CHINO-- Did I tell you they were twin?? They are!!). LOL. Chino was doing all these cute things and I couldn't help but think he was beautiful and I love him and I kept smiling and staring at him by accident, because I never let him see me stare; I slip up sometimes, OKAY? DON'T JUdge ME! LOL. Sometimes if I stare too long I can't stop.


Chino...why did you say that?...I get it ...You really like her...please stop toying with me... Or I wont' be able to hold back my feelings for you...Or worse, I won't be able to keep this friendship...with you...


When he hugged me today... I wanted to hug him back so badly but I didn't because I was getting ready for separation for the one day he will once again...Break my heart.


Why did he hug me... why is this so hard to deal with? Why can't I get over him? Chino, I love you...but I can't anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...

-March 19-, march 20

March 19

My mom made me freakin late telling me to do chores in the morning before school. I was late for drama and we were playing games, I always listened to Sarah and we always lost. She's a SC(super clutz).

I dressed myself innocently. Ami told me that I looked like a nun. "I could transform into a slutty outfit if you want."   She said no, she imagined me being the innocent one in Yuri. I didn't get to ask who the other girl was. I was so flattered.Maybe she likes me? That was shattered when Alex and Ami were holding hands. I tried not to be jealous, I always try shrugging off my jealousy toward Ali but it was no use, she was first to Ami, I'm just second best. I'm tired of being second best.
So I walked away from the table because it frustrated me remembering how Ali and Ami were holding hands, I went to my locker, then They followed me. "What's wrong?" they said.
"Nothing, really!" I didn't want Ali to know I liked Ami, I didn't want Ami to know I was jealous. She came up close. "What's wrong?" She asked out faces are close to each other we could have kissed and we stayed like that but Ali broke us up.
After 3rd period Ami was at my locker holding my arm and rubbing her boobs against it. I kina liked it though. They felt pretty round. I thought about squeezing it but we were in public and yeah...
Also I was glad Miss Yannakis, my English teacher didn't ripost a negative answer tome saying in the mind games about an event in class and that I liked her. I was so happy. Ami was jealous cuz she thought I was crushing on her.
We discussed that Jeremy was hurt over mikni mouse using him to spite me. I was surprised. I understood that she stole him but to spite me? Jerri never liked me, anyway...I was thinking as revenge I hook up with her ex Dylan who she loves and pretend to date each other. Bitchiness from TV really sounded good to me. Would that bother Ami?

March 20

I got into a fight w/ my mom first by asking if I can go to the west Island to work on a project w/ ppl from my school. (I live downtown)She doesnt want me  "GALAVANTING" around town. Then she started bad-talking my dad ansd my granny. I said I had a right to see them but then she wanted to fight me.

She promised that when we moved I'd be able to see Ami more. Lyin Bitch.