your love- book1 chapter 2

II

Last time I loved it didn't come back to me.

It had rained often, which I saw as a bad omen for heartbreak.
Rumours started to really get to me. It started when Shamaya told me he still cared about me enough to come back. That was a lie.

I was losing it.

I heard his voice, loud and clear. It made me smile again, and I remembered why I still held on. I love you, He whispered. He loved me. My heart burned with emotion as I fought against me and lost my mind.

I began to feel happy, I daydreamt of him all day. I wanted to believe in this rumour. That he loved me.

It was another one of those nights when I snuck out to take walks around the block. I heard his voice again, but when I looked around he wasn't there.

A man called my name with a french accent like my love, Davet. When I came close I saw that it wasn't him this man was much bigger. This guy was Lance. He called to another guy: Davet.

Davet walked up to us, glanced at me with a smirk, then walked right past me to a bench. He refused to come near me. i was hurt.
 He didn't say goodbye to me before his disappeared, and then he returned and refused to talk to me. Say hi.

Lance yelled after Davet talking about a girl talking about a girl Davet liked, but I couldn't understand the rest.
 "Me?" I said.
"No, some other girl."
I didn't want to here more. i left the scene.

I wasn't surprised that he'd change his mind about liking me. They always do.

Funny how love always found someone better to love than that someone.

Was there something wrong with me?

What the Bible Says - And Doesn't Say - About Homosexuality

What the Bible Says - And Doesn't Say - About Homosexuality

Your Love: Book 1- chapter 1 come back to me

      I

Come Back to Me

Sitting on the stairs, writhing in the pain consuming my heart, I remembered what I thought I had, wanted what I couldn't get.
Love.

I've already tried to forget, but I couldn't. It's my fault for letting him get to me. I just couldn't let go. I knew I would be hurt, but I've wanted so badly to be loved.

How sweet he was to me, teaching me French while we sat so close we touched. Around others we acted like nothing was between us but people saw and knew. To fake not liking him went against every fibre of me. I felt it between us; the bond was strong.
  He'd rest his head on my shoulder, my head on his. I felt his hair, dark, soft and shiny; I smelt his scent. That was the most intimate I've ever been with a guy. I enjoyed every moment  of him being mine. I would speak to him in French with my heavy english accent and he'd softly hum a sweet, velvety, calm "mmmhmmm" in agreement, as he came back to me even closer as I wanted, needed him.

He'd lift his head as if to smell my scent, savour me; wrap his arm around my waist. "You're mine," his body said, and in return, I'd hold his arm in place with mine, entwine our fingers."I'm yours," Rest a hand on his leg. "I want you."

It was hard to describe how I felt with just words, so I used actions. The tenderness in my heart poured out and I gently caressed his face with my hand. His hair had been on my cheek.

Enjoy this while you can, because nothing is forever.

Our eyes met in a gaze so deep I felt we had a connection. We didn't speak each others' language well, but we understood each other.

Everything that would be against us-- skin colour, age, language-- couldn't be against us then.
Except for distance.

After a while people started to know about us, and he'd be shy and stoppped talking to me for a while. He stared at me with those beautiful dark eyes.
I liked him because of how nice he was to help people with their moving or their groceries. He was bad-ass too, when he'd swear it was cute, so it didn't turn me off like it normally would. He was gentle, his eyes were soft when he looked at his cats. I watched with silent wonder as he stroked the kitten like it was his baby.

He worked day and day out, as I read my book. Suddenly I looked up accidentally to find his eyes fixed on me. I looked away quickly. He called my name, "I love you." he said in english.
I loved how he said my name with his French accent.
"Why?" I asked in French.
"Because." he answered then walked away. My heart burned as I fought with me. Why would he love me of all people? Pas possible.
I pushed away this emotion but it came back even harder.

We sat on a bench, wordless. I couldn't bring myself to say anything, even if I wanted to.

Days later I didn't see him. I came back home from the river one day and then a girl came up to me and told me he was moving. He wanted to say goodbye. He was looking for me. But I was nowhere to be found.

"You're lying," I said. "You're really lying."
I knew she wasn't.

That night I snuck outside that very night to check if he was at home. Nothing. I hopelessly checked the streets for his car, every passing biker.

He was really gone.He left me here.

Sitting on the stairs, writhing in the pain consuming my heart, I remembered what I thought I wanted, I wanted to escape this hold on me. Pain.

I hated everyone especially him-- damn him. But I hated me more. Damn my heart.
Come back to me. My heart sang out to whoever would listen. Someone bring him back to me.

How I hated him for not telling me he'd be gone. someday the one you love will break your heart. It's him or it's you.

With my cries of pain, i sat there in the corner of my room rocking, waiting maybe, for hope of his return.

Teaser of YOUR L.O.V.E. book one

Sitting on the stairs, writhing in the pain consuming me, I remembered what I never had, wanted what I couldn't get.


Love.


I tried to forget him, but I couldn't.


I knew he'd hurt me...

Histoire D'amour(in english though)SYKES!

I've decided to maybe write all the chapters of my lovelife. painful. this one is called: come back to me.

Today Ami was a little under the weather. grumpy cuz her mom got into an accident 6 yrs ago and is still in excruciating pain. At lunch it was hard for her-- and me to say what was on my mind, and my heart.

I know I had nothing to do with this, but I still can't help but feel bad...There's nothing I can do to make you better. ...I'm sorry...

I really felt her pain. I put myself in her shoes and I felt what she felt. I tried to make her strong. You are strong. I wish I was strong...I wouldn't be able to take it.

brb...

Dead head

With Tarot cards I own, I had a prediction that Ami would fall for me, and later on there would be miner problems. That's good, right?
In english class My brain was, IS dead because I couldn't think of anything to write. My mark was Terrible.
Yanni was so cute. Such a cut teacher. I had such a crush on her...she must think I'm supa dumb now!
I should consult tarot if i will pass school and graduate...cuz it's not looking good for me, I have to take a night course at John abbot.
I'll get back on this topic..

Betrayal(in my heart)

Of course I knew she didn't like me, but Ali was flirting with her Again. So that bothered me. I think I let my jealousy accidently slip out of me. She wanted to wear my crown, the thing I got attention from. She already gets attention without help; I need it. Then she starts playing with Ami's hair. I hate it. More than I can possibly say. Ppl also mock me. So I took it off, and I split from Ami +Ali= Me invisible and not mattering. I said I had to go to the bathroom. I can't bear it when they're together.

She was so sweet to me before...She hugged me yesterday so tight and so long that I felt like My knees were weak. then I sat don't at a computer and there he was. Sy, was next to me. It was always coincidence we were together... I hope I really have a chance...

Crushes

Today I had an exam in Biology, but that wasn't important now. To me, It was all about love. Love for me, is always deserted...I always feel left out...When it came to Ali and Ami. Our class was talking about prom and how cool it will be and Ami asked me to be her date. I was so happy. Is she joking ? I asked her and she said she was serious. I wondered if she liked me. Would she flake on me if someone asked her out. She said no. but I was still scared. She just finished talking to "Just", her ex from a few years ago and he said he liked her before, but he didn't say anything about now. Ami was hysterically happy. I was happy for her too. But I couldn't help but feel a little sad. Will someone like me? Will she flake on me if he asks her? ...This new crush I have, Sy, is in my friench class. I walked by him and he said "hhhmmm..." like delicious. Ya know? I was so flattered.
Yanni- my english teacher was so hot, I always get nervous near her
Tryna get ova Chino though...

And I wonder if Ami's hugs... are they real? I don't want them to end.

Disappointment

WELL, I guess my life is over 'cause Dawson College is gonna give me another chance at exams to get in. I'm so scared I might fail and succeed. And most of my grades were good, or at least reasonable. My dream program in languages was taken in Vanier, not sure about Dawson... And I tried applying online, but I can't find my transcript anywhere and I don't know what my permanent code is. I'm doomed for the second round. The deadline is Monday, April 19 (before 12:00 pm)-- today is Sunday, April 18. I'm screwed... I don't want to lose. I-- I wanna go to Japan. but my dreams are held up now...
My mom has been supportive of me. But now It's not enough.
...Is there nothing I can do?

I love you--story(not mine) from: http://www.lovefatedestiny.com/

--storyI have a boyfriend who grew up with me. His name is Jin. I always thought of him as a friend until last year, when we went to a trip from a club. I found that I fell in love with him. Before that trip was over, I took a step and confessed my love for him. And soon, we became a pair of lovers, but we loved each other in different ways. I always concentrated on him only, but by his side, there were so many other girls. To me, he was the only one, but to him, maybe I was just another girl…




“Jin, do you want to go watch a movie?” I asked.

“I can’t”

“Why? You need to study at home?” I felt disappointment grabbing me.

“No… I am going to meet a friend…”



He was always like that. He met girls in front of me, like it was nothing. To him, I was just a girlfriend. The word ‘love’ only came out from my mouth. Since I knew him, I had never heard him say ‘I love you’ before. To us, there weren’t any anniversaries at all. He didn’t say anything from the first day and it continued till 100 days…200days… Everyday, before we say goodbye, he would just hand me a doll, everyday, without fail. I don’t know why…



Then one day…



Me: Um, Jin, I …

Jin: What…don’t drag, just say..

Me: I love you.

Jin: ……you….um, just take this doll and go home.

That was how he ignored my ‘three words’ and handed me the doll. Then he disappeared, like he was running away. The dolls I received from him everyday, filled my room, one by one. There were many…

Then one day came, my 15th year old birthday. When I got up in the morning, I pictured a party with him, and stranded myself in my room, waiting for his call. But… lunch passed, dinner passed… and soon the sky was dark… he still didn’t call. It was already tiring to look at the phone anymore. Then around 2am in the morning, he suddenly called me and woke me from my sleep. He told me to come out of the house. Still, I felt joy and I ran out happily.

Me: Jin…



Jin: Here…take this…

Again, he handed me a little doll.

Me: What’s this?

Jin: I didn’t give it to you yesterday, so I am giving it to you now. I’m going home now, bye.

Me: Wait, wait! Do you know what today is?

Jin: Today? Huh?

I felt so sad, I thought he would remember my birthday. He turned around and walked away like nothing had happen.Then I shouted… “Wait…”

Jin: You have something to say?

Me: Tell me, tell me you love me…

Jin: What?!

Me: Tell me

I put my pathetic self behind and clung on to him. But he just said simple cold words and left.

“I don’t want to say…that I love someone so easily, if you are desperate to hear it, then find someone else.”

That was what he said. Then he ran off. My legs felt numb… and I collapsed to the ground. He didn’t want to say it easily… How could he…. I felt that… Maybe he is not the right guy for me…

After that day, I stranded myself at home crying, just crying. He didn’t call me, although I was waiting. He just continued handing me a little doll every morning outside my house. That’s how those dolls piled up in my room… everyday...



After a month, I got myself together and went to school. But what made the pain resurface was that… I saw him on a street… with another girl… He had a smile on his face, one that he never showed me…as he touched the doll… I ran straight back home and looked at the dolls in my room, and tears fell… Why did he gave these to me… Those dolls are probably picked out by some other girls…In a fit of anger, I threw the dolls around. Then suddenly, the phone rang. It was him. He told me to come out to the bus stop outside my house. I tried to calm myself down and walked to the bus stop. I kept reminding myself that I am going to forget him, that… it’s going to end. Then he came into my sight, holding a big doll.




Jin: Jo, I thought you were pissed, you really came?

I couldn’t help hating him, acting like nothing had happen and joking around. Soon, he held out the doll as usual…

Me: I don’t need it. Jin: What….why…

I grabbed the doll from his hands and threw it on the road.

Me: I don’t need this doll, I don’t need it anymore!! I don’t want to see a person like you again!

I spitted out all the words that were inside me. But unlike other days, his eyes very shaking.

“I’m sorry” He apologized in a tiny voice. He then walked over to the road to pick up the doll…

Me: You stupid! Why are you picking up the doll?! Just throw it away!!!



But he ignored me and just went to pick the doll. Then…



Honk~ Honk~

With a loud honk, a big truck was heading towards him.

“Jin! Move! Move away!” I shouted… But he didn’t hear me, he squatted down and picked up the doll.

“Jin, move!” HONK~!! “Boom!” That sound, so terrifying.

That’s how he went away from me. That’s how he went away without even opening his eyes to say one word to me.

After that day, I had to go through everyday with guiltiness and the sadness of losing him… And after spending two months like a crazy person… I took out the dolls.



Those were the only gifts he left me since the day we started going out. I remembered the days I spent with him and started to count the days… when we were in love…



“One…two… three…” That was how… I started to count the dolls…

“Four hundred and eighty four… four hundred and eighty five…” It all ended with 485 dolls.

I then started to cry again, with a doll in my arms. I hugged it tightly, then suddenly…



“I love you~, I love you~” I dropped the dolls,shocked.



“I….lo..ve…you??” I picked up the dolls and pressed its stomach.



“I love you~ I love you~” It can’t be! I pressed all the dolls’ stomach as it piled on the side.

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

“I love you~”

Those words came out non-stop. I…love you… Why didn’t I realize that….That his heart was always by my side, protecting me. Why didn’t I realize that he love me this much… I took out the doll under the bed and pressed it’s stomach, that was the last doll, the one that fell on the road. It had his blood stain on it. The voice came out, the on that I was missing so much…



“Jo…Do you know what today is? We’ve been loving each other for 486 days. Do you know what 486 is? I couldn’t say I love you…. Um… since I was too shy… If you forgive me and take this doll, I will say that I love you… everyday… till I die… Jo… I love you…”





The tears came flowing out of me. Why? Why? I asked god, why do I only know about all this now? He can’t be by my side, but he loved me until his last minute…



For that… and for that reason… to me… it became courage… to live a beautiful life.

Hurtfulness

GOD(DESS) I hate it when Ali And Ami are always together...flaunting their friendship in my face!! Everyone sees it! they all think they're together but I hate it. I hate it like fuck, man. You know what I mean? Then Ali goes home it's like I'm not invisible anymore. i'm a rebound, like Chino said. I was really hurt when he called me his rebound...And alex, was the apple of his eye I always knew but I wanted to be wrong, so desperately. He kept hugging me, but I wasn't sure I wanted to hug him...rebounds aren't important-- and he just admitted that he liked ALI-- though not directly...(As if there aren't enough ppl gushing over her!!!)


Yesterday We all went to the park and Chino and Ami play fought. I saw Chino's stomach...It was so hairy, but his stomach, to me, was so sexy! i was sooo turned on BY THEM BOTH(tHE TWINS AMI AND CHINO-- Did I tell you they were twin?? They are!!). LOL. Chino was doing all these cute things and I couldn't help but think he was beautiful and I love him and I kept smiling and staring at him by accident, because I never let him see me stare; I slip up sometimes, OKAY? DON'T JUdge ME! LOL. Sometimes if I stare too long I can't stop.


Chino...why did you say that?...I get it ...You really like her...please stop toying with me... Or I wont' be able to hold back my feelings for you...Or worse, I won't be able to keep this friendship...with you...


When he hugged me today... I wanted to hug him back so badly but I didn't because I was getting ready for separation for the one day he will once again...Break my heart.


Why did he hug me... why is this so hard to deal with? Why can't I get over him? Chino, I love you...but I can't anymore...I don't want to hurt anymore...

-March 19-, march 20

March 19

My mom made me freakin late telling me to do chores in the morning before school. I was late for drama and we were playing games, I always listened to Sarah and we always lost. She's a SC(super clutz).

I dressed myself innocently. Ami told me that I looked like a nun. "I could transform into a slutty outfit if you want."   She said no, she imagined me being the innocent one in Yuri. I didn't get to ask who the other girl was. I was so flattered.Maybe she likes me? That was shattered when Alex and Ami were holding hands. I tried not to be jealous, I always try shrugging off my jealousy toward Ali but it was no use, she was first to Ami, I'm just second best. I'm tired of being second best.
So I walked away from the table because it frustrated me remembering how Ali and Ami were holding hands, I went to my locker, then They followed me. "What's wrong?" they said.
"Nothing, really!" I didn't want Ali to know I liked Ami, I didn't want Ami to know I was jealous. She came up close. "What's wrong?" She asked out faces are close to each other we could have kissed and we stayed like that but Ali broke us up.
After 3rd period Ami was at my locker holding my arm and rubbing her boobs against it. I kina liked it though. They felt pretty round. I thought about squeezing it but we were in public and yeah...
Also I was glad Miss Yannakis, my English teacher didn't ripost a negative answer tome saying in the mind games about an event in class and that I liked her. I was so happy. Ami was jealous cuz she thought I was crushing on her.
We discussed that Jeremy was hurt over mikni mouse using him to spite me. I was surprised. I understood that she stole him but to spite me? Jerri never liked me, anyway...I was thinking as revenge I hook up with her ex Dylan who she loves and pretend to date each other. Bitchiness from TV really sounded good to me. Would that bother Ami?

March 20

I got into a fight w/ my mom first by asking if I can go to the west Island to work on a project w/ ppl from my school. (I live downtown)She doesnt want me  "GALAVANTING" around town. Then she started bad-talking my dad ansd my granny. I said I had a right to see them but then she wanted to fight me.

She promised that when we moved I'd be able to see Ami more. Lyin Bitch.

Changes

Tonight, I'm making changes to my blog; My blog came from cheesy xox-love me in return-xox to Yaa fuck you tooxox and the green sub-message is from

"Dying cause I want you
Your always in my heart
Breathing cause I need you
I can't stand it when we part
Love you cause you're precious
Love you cause you're cute
Love you cause you're smart
Love you cause you're you..."

to a wiser, more sophisticated message. and I took off the drawn picture of me loving Toni because It just might never happen, really. I'm giving up on him now-- at least, for a little bit....anyway enjoy the changes

I don't get it.

http://www.korean-drama-guide.com/

Today....lately everything evoled around me being black. My mom broke one of my Japanese CDs, and she said that learning my own culture with help my self- esteem. But the thing is, she's right. I mean, If I'm among Japanese, white people and i worry about being single or something because I'm black...I guess I won't have to worry about that If I'm amongst my own.

In Drama today we were playing bench, an improve game and A guy said that she was the perfect skin colour and all that for a porn star. So, what am I? Too dark for beauty? I watch porn...sometimes and the black girls I see are kind of ugly. I only saw one cute black girl, without being dark skinned. We also played a piggy back game. Girls had to jump on guys' backs; I was thin and relatively light, but buddy...yeah, so you know. The boys kept dropping me on my feet and after that I felt like my heel was going to break off. I guess they think I'm ugly. "fuck, there's a black girl on my back."
Ami told me not to let it get to me, but it did...And so easy for her to say, even though she's part black, it shows in her hair, but she's light skinned...
on the bright side she said she'll pierce my ears a second time tomorrow, YAY!!!

I'm afraid that nobody in Japan will like me...
Now that I think of it, most of my insecurities are from my mom and sister picking and making fun at me. They like my reaction.

but...this thing about racism...It isn't fair...It's just not fair...

Character profiles in my Blog...changed

Ama(I changed it from Ama because it means "bitch" in Japanese; I didn't know that...)= Amimi(I call her Ami)-She's finally getting her confidence after a long period of emotional rain, man. She's my best friend, and I've developped a huge crush on her...she's so awesome!!

Toni= Fluffy-Very intellectual individual, very cute(in my opinion) , kinda weird but still a very sweet guy, sometimes he acts alittle jerk-ish because of the influence of other guys but still. He makes me laugh sometimes because the things he does are so funny. I love him so much...He's not at all like other guys...but I don't know what's happening between us anymore...

Ali= Alex- very sexually charged person. huge boobs(harumph). bad reputation. strange emo characteristic in her. Sometimes I have beef with her but when we get along, it's a happy party.

Desi=desiree=mini mouse- Super tiny, EX best friend, who wasn't the smartest for stealing two guys from me in a row... She still talks to me, I don't really talk back...acts like Caitlin from 6Teen. Attracts guys like CRAZY. More like: Attracts crazy guys.

Grace= guresu= snowflake-friend in our group. Quiet and voice of a mouse. Ami has beef with her because she's turning into a super toff, never goes on sleep- overs, wasting her time being boring...

Sarah= Buddy= Sawa-another friend in our group. I have a tiny beef of resentment because she did something to me.(see blog march 15)

Jerry=Jeremiah=Jeremy- He's "The hot friend" and Toni's best friend. Desi stole him from me.

Bryan=Ryan- My "EX" who denied our relationship and still terrorises me 3 years later. What a fucker!!! He tried getting Matt and me together but then we ended up together instead.

Matt=Matthew- best friends with Bryan in the past. My big crush from two years ago, and now Alex's current boyfriend. Things are going a bit bumpy. That's what happens when you date a jerk's best friend(in the past)

Vinny= Vincent- the guy who thinks he's so0 loved but in reality, every one hates him. he's the one Desi stole from me, too.

Blog --Entry march 2-13, 2010

It feels like all my dreams I’ve dreamed in the past are history now. Writing was my first passion. Unfortunately, buddy went overboard and started correcting it even when I told her just to LOOK at it to see what she thought of it (Good or bad). It made me feel really bad because she wasn’t even correcting it, all she was doing was changing the story and saying, “I’m” isn’t used and makes it seem immature. I see “I’m” in books all the time. She isn’t my teacher. I was thinking like, what the fuck. Next I found a new passion, languages, but mainly Japanese. My mom burned that. She really didn’t have to. People always crush my dreams. As I watched my hard work in like what? 50 pages? All my Kanji and flashcards are gone. She even had the nerve to say: “I did it because I care.” BULLSHIT. I worked so hard on it. At least I had another book; but my new one had upgrades…
I’ve worked around that—I’m printing out everything and recopying my book. That’ll show her.

For a while I had hope of Toni and I becoming close friends moving to the next level. I even decided I wanted to ask him out; my instincts decided against it. Ami and I even became closer going to the lake. Such a beautiful view it had. She even offers to hold my things, like when I did that for her. I had a cold (still do). I’m mad for her. I guess I hope she feels the same way about me, too. I can’t remember our exact words but what really stood out at me was when I said, “This is…so beautiful…” Then she said, “It’s our place, man” and she hugged me. It seemed lately her attitude was “anything to be with you” towards me. It was her special place and she wanted to share it with me. Me. Kae-freakin-Taj. That’s me. I love having her to myself, because we connect. She tells me her problems, and I listen (I love her voice.) and I tell her my problems, she listens. The one thing I don’t like is when Alex comes around, she talks so much; sometimes about her boyfriend (I like her, though…I just came out of a super jealousy stage about Toni supposedly liking her, I was so envious, I almost hated her, but I kept shrugging it off.) she touches Ami and flirts with her. Strangely, sometimes Ami looks at my reaction, but she doesn’t see it (At least I hope not) I usually get really jealous. One time Alex with her big boobs came and got Ami a cookie from the cafeteria (the best ever cookies) and Ami hugged her (I was sooo jealous).
“That’s what best friends are for,” Alex says.
“But—but…I’m her best friend, too…” I say.
“Yeah but I saw her naked so we’re closer!” She says rudely. She has this attitude problem or something. I like her but she really bugs me sometimes. That really bugged me. I guess that was a “back off” comment. Maybe she likes her too. I mean, she’s also bi. Sometimes I wonder when her mouth it going on chattering, if she ever listens to Ami.
It all started when I started to be really clumsy around her, and at lunch I would catch her staring at me, then I look back, become magically clumsy again when our eyes meet again. She would give me these super nice hugs (spooning like a couple would) that felt so good and, sometimes I had bangs in front of my face, she would move my hair out of my face. Even in the bathroom sometimes she would stare at me and I would say to her, “Why are you staring at me?”
“Cuz you’re pretty…”
I even brought her an extra lunch because she would have none. But then she said, “Is it like in Japan to make a lunch for someone they liked?” I said it is but I liked her as a friend. So she was suspicious. Then she talked to Alex and I would be feeling… jealous? But I didn’t know why. And then it hit me. I did like her. When I told her I thought she would ditch me, but she didn’t. I was so relieved.
We’re supposedly “married”. It’s a game everyone plays, sort of. Ami hugs me; I think it’s called spooning, and I think she’s starting to act like she likes me. I wonder if she hugs me like that because we’re “married” or maybe…maybe…well, I notice people stare at us like maybe we’re…I kind of hope we look like one…maybe a straight girl can fall for a bi/lesbian. Right? Maybe she’s…just being nice. Maybe it’s all an act because we’re married. Yeah, that’s it. Besides…after all this time, who would like me, anyway?
The second day we went to the lake, Toni and Jeri followed, and Toni would get in between Ami and me. I was next to Ami and it was quiet while we watched the sun set over the lake. I was thinking about having freedom on my own at last, but I was also fantasizing about us staring at each other and then slowly getting nearer and nearer…then kiss. “What’s on your mind?” Ami asked out of the blue.
“I’m wishing for my freedom.” I partly told the truth. What a twist of fate that she asked that when I was thinking something strange as that.
That time I went home, mom was pissed at me and said I can’t go on friends’ outings for 2 months. (Deadly Punishment!!)

On Monday, Vicki came to me saying that she played a bad joke on her bf…he broke up with her and she told me she might be…pregnant. After school, we went to the clinic, “lost” the boys Jeri and Toni.

On Friday, Mom was watching freakin Dr. Phil. She asked me if I ever thought of committing suicide. I said, “Yes, when I was 13.” She started to cry instantly, begging me not to ever, ever do it. Which is kind of funny because if I were gone she would have been too late.

On the weekend…I’m still missing Ami…I mean, I really want to go back to the lake and make a wish at the shore.

News from event

Dear diary,

i'm sorry for the random topics I keep bringing up but, i just need something to let out my frustration on...

Yeah, so it's lunch time at school right now, I'm still trying to recover from the event that occured yesterday: A fight that led to a stabbing incident.

I'm kind of embarrassed to be a teenager right now. I mean, our reputation as teens are already bad. THIS IS WORSENING IT! ami says that she has no sympathy for him because he's an ass, but I don't think he deserves to be stabbed like that...because he was defending a friend. I'm sure he'll change and see life in a better light. He'll be...different... I guess. The Paparazzi were in front of the school. I was a bit disappointed that there was only one camera. I STILL WANTED TO BE IN IT, THOUGH!!! It was just a rush.

I finally got through 2nd period now. LUNCH!!!

I'm getting over chino once and for all...He seemed nice to me yesterday. Liking him will just make me miserable because...maybe he won't like me in that way.

Late notice...yeah...

Dear diary...

I know it's a little late but HAPPY NEW YEAR!!! My resolution was to become more reserved. (FAIL!!) And also to make decisions based on logic and not emotions(there's still hope!!)

Lately, Ami and I have been closer and closer...my emotions got a hold of me when my troubles got to me:

1) My dad put his middle finger at me and I miss him.
2) I missed Cassandra...It was my fault I forgot about her(long story...)!!
3) Mom not supporting me speaking Japanese...
4) Being lonely forever...(Because of the stereotype, black women are mean.)


Sometimes I doll myself up, but I don't even know why I do. I mean, it's not like anyone looks(Or maybe I'm not noticing) Chino only watchess Ali anyway. But I'm deciding to give up on him. i mean, if we end up together, will he treat me badly, or bore me to death with his videogame talk?

Nowadays I find myself more into girls than anything. They're better than boys. I think they're harder to find, though. It's worth it. I find myself becoming lonely. Maybe love just doesn't suit me. I'm concentrating on school anyway. I'm going to Japan, anyway. I'll live happily.

L oathesome
Over- used
Violent
Evil

Bums
Over-confident
Yaks (what else qwas I supposed to write? I only thought about "B". *lolz*
Stupid