The dream

I've recently downloaded 3 piano songs, for my meditation, they were really relaxing and even sad, (or at least, they provoke sad thoughts.) I spent most of the night crying Because I was imagining if something bad happened to Toni and I couldn't save him, I would be devastated. but if I did save him, he would see how much I loved him, because I would be in tears praying for him to stay alive for me. And...he would hug me. He's still here...nothing bad happened; so stop imagining that!

When I finlly fell asleep which was about 4:40 am, I had a dream...not just any dream.
I was on an escalator going down, with my friends, Ali and Ama, Toni, was right in front of me leaning on the railing, open arms for me to fill. It was a long, comforting hug. My friends behind me were teasing but we didn't care. It actually felt like he loved me...It felt so good...when I woke up, I was in a relatively good mood exceptfor the part when my sister Mani took of her diaper filled with shit and put it on my bed saying "Kae, see make a poo!" . Talk about a rude awakening.

A secret revealed

Dear Diary,

There was a secret I haven't told you...when I got with Kai, it was so I could forget about toni, and for a while, I thought I did... but then I realized that I still loved him. After that, my heart began to be locked away from him, showing nothing but anger... and hostiliy... I was forced to kiss him, I didn't want to. On our last goodbye, he said he loved me but I didn't answer; I just stared at him. Feeling really sorry for him, because I didn't love him back, I loved Toni...


Within Peace brings love;
Love in peace.
and love finds love
but also hurt.
From hurt is hate;
hate in hurt.
and hate in war;
war and hate.
Hate is hurt;
hurt in love.
and peace is love;
love in peace.

*At one point, I was convinced that his feelings did exist there for me…but then Ali comes around, and I lose it. I can’t break the past of them knowing each other so long…and sometimes, I see in pictures they’re so close. It’s painful for me to look at. I can’t STAND it when she’s near him. What is it that she has that I don’t have?

I couldn’t tell her I was so jealous. It kills me how I hated my own friend… I don’t hate her…I just can’t if I love her at the same time. It’s an evil thing, what love and jealousy can do. All because of some boy …I locked my heart from any other guy, my lips are for him to kiss only. My arms are for his hugs only, my eyes only look at him…If I could yell to the world, how I felt about him, I would. And I’ll tell him. I love you, Toni.

I love you, Toni...
I love you, Toni...
Toni...I love you...

Those words I can never say to him. I've planned out different ways to tell him, but at the last moment I chicken out. He was nice to me once during summerschool...We were all alone sitting and watching movie on his MP3, I made some jokes, he laughed. Then at the last laugh, he crossed his leg toward me and moved closer to me so we were touching. I got so nervous. When we were visiting Ama in her summer math program, we had our report cards (I got a better mark than him.) the he said, "She passed cause she's cute." guess what I was thinking. Does he... Really think I'm cute? Does he like me? Or is that it...am i just a pretty face to him? Ama did seem shocked to hear that from him.

Through tears I told Ama for the first time that I envied Ali because of how Toni drools over her. I told her that I have tried to move on, but evertime i try, Something always goes wrong and brings me back to him. I tried. I tried. Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
One of my greatest nightmares is if Toni finds himself a girlfriend in college, and they have sex, I will be heartbroken.
I pray that it won't happen, I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...