Lately, Ali and ama have been treating me differently. They think I'm stupid but I'll show them. MY I Q is above average. I don't think theirs is. They don't seem to be anyway. Who cares anyway? I know I'm not dumb.

Toni was home, sick today. He must have caught the epidemic that's been going around the school...I called him to tell him the homework but i'm not sure if he was lingering or not. well, probably not. I'm just bored...So...nothing.

supposed to love me.

For some people, the only man you can depend on is your dad. But is it
okay, and normal to want to be loved by a man? any man at all? I don't know anymore. I cant tell you. Because the one and very first man to ever love me...doesn't.


When we go to family outings with my grandma, uncle, stepmother and
brother and sister, I feel awkwardness and distance. When my dad was
driving me to the Chinese
restaurant where we were having our get-together, I tried to ask him
about things and he wouldn't give me a straightforward answer, or he
would answer negatively.

so there was silence and he would always glance at me to try and think of something to say but said nothing...


A mom can't be a dad no matter what; she can try, but It won't work.

Like the time it was my first day of high school, a guy tried to pick me up,
and offered me water, I rejected him. Then I told my dad, he was joking
about it " what? a random guy giving you water?" and I replied, "yeah"
he was still laughing. That's all he does, laugh, he is never serious.
He swears as apart of his humor. If I talk about serious things, he
would just laugh as if I told him a joke. I bet he would dance at my
funeral, too. and when he is serious, he's too serious, like grumpy. I
just realized that I act like that, too. how saddening.


when was in grade eight two years ago, My English teacher Mr. Dagenais, was a wonderful father, he talked about his children all the time.
Iwas late one time, and i told him my dad wasn't around, and he told me
that his father wasn't around either. That was a bonding moment. I developed a crush on him, but nothing big.

After school one day, I was doing an assignment, and he said " come on, I
gotta go home and see my kids" and I said, " you don't really mean
that," and of course the way my father was, I thought he was joking but then he said, "of course I do, they're my kids, I love them, they
are the most important people in my life." and I wanted to cry, "what
about me?" I thought to myself. "how very nice to have a father who cares..."

Another time I hurt my finger, in the summertime, and mom went to the
hospital because she had a baby, I asked him to take me to the
hospital, he said no. But he didn't say that word exactly, he says it
in a thousand different ways. " but it's gonna hurt. they're going to
cut your finger open..." and I hate pain. but this time I said I didn't
care, I just wanna get it over with, so it can go away. in those exact
words. He said no. MY dad said no.

When I was eleven in grade seven, my dad told me that if there was anything that I wanted, he would give it to me. He knows that I won't ask for anything. because
I'm kinda scared of him, saying no. the feeling i get when i do ask
him. I feel like I'm being greedy for asking, and then He starts with
the guilt trip that actually works.

The last time I saw him was on my birthday.no..my awards ceremony. He
didn't even call me. I had to call him. no Christmas present, either,
but that's not what I'm after, I just want to see him.

when I just added him on facebook, I felt queasy, and I looked at his photo album. only to find my brotherand sister there. I was happy to see them but sad to see them grow up on me.

Then I saw the whole family, Lara, Dylan, Jessica, Lara's two sisters, their
children, but no grandma, uncle Curtis, or me. "what about me" I said.
only the white family. He's ashamed of who he is...so he's ashamed of
me...

then I showed my mom my brother and sister, it drove her nuts. "where are
you." she said, that set me off. I wasn't really mad at her. I was
trying to keep it all in until my next potty break. I already made a
mental note of that.

And now that I think of it, If I never called him, he would go on with his life, and forget about me. He has a new family now...they're more important to him than me. Because they're lighter skin than me. He spends more money on them than me. they walk
around in name brand clothes, and I'm in rags.

I ask him I if I can spend time with him, and he doesn't answer. I need a father. I need my father. I need my dad. But he's no where to be found.

so i look for love in other guys and realize that no one cares.

character profiles in my blog

since I'm writing about them, I'll describe them to you...main charcters.

Ama-She's very straightforward, puts a barrier between people. She thinks she's soooo ugly because she's overweight, but I think she's pretty. I have a crush on her twin brother, Toni. nickname: cookies

Toni- Very intellectual individual, very cute(in my opinion) , kinda weird but still a very sweet guy. He makes me laugh sometimes because the things he does are so funny. I love him so much...He's not at all like other guys. nickname: Fluffy(cause of his hair)

Ali- very sexually charged person. huge boobs(harumph). bad reputation. strange emo characteristic in her.

Desi- my best friend, who isn't the smartest but I love her anyway. Attracts guys like CRAZY.

Vinny- endless flirt who tried to break up me and Desi.

Grace-friend in our group. Quiet and voice of a mouse(snowflake)

Sarah-another friend in our group. nickname:buddy(i don't know why)