Penguins yay!!!

Hamster yay!!!!

Nowadays...

And Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
I pray that it won't happen; Please goddess, anyone but Alex. I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...

Nowadays things between Ami and I are going well. We've bonded a lot over the few months. I remember how it used to be...

like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him and expect him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else.

I knew she hated me before. I wonder if she thought i was a dumb bitch before. She probably did. He wasn't all I concentrated on. It's over. gone. why am I still freaking out? It still hurts when I read it back because I remember my birthday heartbreak. worst. birthday. ever.

I don't hate you, Chino said, In fact, I like you.
On friday, He made me laugh really hard. Does he know that I like him? It took me months to clear my name of liking him and people going around suggesting we go out. He treated me differently then. Now, It's like we're good friends. I've made it to step one to being in his heart: be his friend. I notice how sometimes he embarrasses Ami(and me sometimes) but when he plays videogames I'm so proud of him. If he does become mine, then i can brag about him.

Bitch: My man is a doctor.
Me: Well my man is the best videogame player in the world, BIATCH!!!


Yeah. So i do get turned on when he sets up a VCR...especially when he's right in front of me and his ass is facing me...yeah, that could be it. I love him. I love Ami, too.(not in the same way!!) I'm afraid of losing them when I move...and when I go to College. A nerve Ami said once: "If you want we could fight so you don't have to be sad about leaving." I wanted to say, "You bitch! Why would you even suggest that? Why would you want me to risk losing you, especially when I'll never find anyone like you...ever...?" but i didn't. I hid it all behind a smile.
I will fight for him and Ami. I'll not lose them to fate. I'll be damned!!!

Fasting

Starting today, my sister, Nika and I are starting to fast. She wanted to fast because she said she would feel bad if she didn't. I'm just supporting her. It is torture-- I mean, come on! wake up early (3:30)in the morning to eat then wait until 7:30 in the evening to start eating again. FUCK!!! On the other hand, I see it as an opportunity to lose more of my tummy. I feel really bad about myself lately. My stomach isn't as flat as Ali's. I'm not fat, it's just that at the top of my stomach, it's round. I want to have the attention Ali gets from Toni. So I will do it.

Jeremiah and Ali were all talking dirty and then Toni said something that was so perverted then Jeremiah felt that he had to "kill" him. Toni runs behind me and says, "Kae, Protect me!" then I said, "You never protect me!" In a small voice. I look at him, and I realize that I really love him. Oh my gosh. His Fluffy hair, his body is a little chubby but I don't care. He voice, he walk, everything. Well, not everything. Sometimes he can act egotistical and asshole-ish and annoying, but then I forgive him and I forget. He is a good person. I can't wait to see him again tomorrow, dear diary, and I'll tell you what happened to me last week!

The dream

I've recently downloaded 3 piano songs, for my meditation, they were really relaxing and even sad, (or at least, they provoke sad thoughts.) I spent most of the night crying Because I was imagining if something bad happened to Toni and I couldn't save him, I would be devastated. but if I did save him, he would see how much I loved him, because I would be in tears praying for him to stay alive for me. And...he would hug me. He's still here...nothing bad happened; so stop imagining that!

When I finlly fell asleep which was about 4:40 am, I had a dream...not just any dream.
I was on an escalator going down, with my friends, Ali and Ama, Toni, was right in front of me leaning on the railing, open arms for me to fill. It was a long, comforting hug. My friends behind me were teasing but we didn't care. It actually felt like he loved me...It felt so good...when I woke up, I was in a relatively good mood exceptfor the part when my sister Mani took of her diaper filled with shit and put it on my bed saying "Kae, see make a poo!" . Talk about a rude awakening.

A secret revealed

Dear Diary,

There was a secret I haven't told you...when I got with Kai, it was so I could forget about toni, and for a while, I thought I did... but then I realized that I still loved him. After that, my heart began to be locked away from him, showing nothing but anger... and hostiliy... I was forced to kiss him, I didn't want to. On our last goodbye, he said he loved me but I didn't answer; I just stared at him. Feeling really sorry for him, because I didn't love him back, I loved Toni...


Within Peace brings love;
Love in peace.
and love finds love
but also hurt.
From hurt is hate;
hate in hurt.
and hate in war;
war and hate.
Hate is hurt;
hurt in love.
and peace is love;
love in peace.

*At one point, I was convinced that his feelings did exist there for me…but then Ali comes around, and I lose it. I can’t break the past of them knowing each other so long…and sometimes, I see in pictures they’re so close. It’s painful for me to look at. I can’t STAND it when she’s near him. What is it that she has that I don’t have?

I couldn’t tell her I was so jealous. It kills me how I hated my own friend… I don’t hate her…I just can’t if I love her at the same time. It’s an evil thing, what love and jealousy can do. All because of some boy …I locked my heart from any other guy, my lips are for him to kiss only. My arms are for his hugs only, my eyes only look at him…If I could yell to the world, how I felt about him, I would. And I’ll tell him. I love you, Toni.

I love you, Toni...
I love you, Toni...
Toni...I love you...

Those words I can never say to him. I've planned out different ways to tell him, but at the last moment I chicken out. He was nice to me once during summerschool...We were all alone sitting and watching movie on his MP3, I made some jokes, he laughed. Then at the last laugh, he crossed his leg toward me and moved closer to me so we were touching. I got so nervous. When we were visiting Ama in her summer math program, we had our report cards (I got a better mark than him.) the he said, "She passed cause she's cute." guess what I was thinking. Does he... Really think I'm cute? Does he like me? Or is that it...am i just a pretty face to him? Ama did seem shocked to hear that from him.

Through tears I told Ama for the first time that I envied Ali because of how Toni drools over her. I told her that I have tried to move on, but evertime i try, Something always goes wrong and brings me back to him. I tried. I tried. Then she asked me: "Is he your first love?" I said "yeah..." She awws me over the phone. "AAAAAWWW Soo Sweet!!"
One of my greatest nightmares is if Toni finds himself a girlfriend in college, and they have sex, I will be heartbroken.
I pray that it won't happen, I pray that he will love me one day...love me as I love him...I want to be his first, his second, his third, his everything...

new beginnings

I know for a fact that Toni and I will never be together. Never in a million years. I loved him more than I can say... but It wasn't returned and it never will be...

I did find someone else. Kai was my boyfriend for about 3 weeks and a half. He was very affectionate and annoying at times. I really did like him...but he had to move away...my first real boyfriend is gone now. But I wished it so. And now it's time...For new beginnings

For a while now, I find myself lost in my thoughts thinking about school, friends, all that stuff― I didn't mean for it to happen. More often then I realize, I gaze at him during class and thinking about how beautiful he is inside and out, thinking about how much I love him, and that he has potential in life. And the thing is, I dream about us...how happy we'd be together one day... A wedding...Children...then the wake-up call comes in: I'm only 15. Anything could happen; what about when he goes to college? He could find someone better than me, I mean, if I liked him, who's to say no one else will?

And he would be happy― So, So happy. But I wouldn't... I don't like to think about it much. I don't want to imagine his eyes or his hair on anyone else's child. I don't want to imagine another girl on him doing you-know-what. I don't want her to be walking down the aisle in the dress I should be wearing to his wedding. I know I can't control any of this so it would be pointless complaining.

I don't understand how I end up with these feelings. When he's angry, I am too, when he's embarrassed, I'm embarrassed. When he's sad, I'm sad. I'm happy when he is. I know he's a little weird, but everyone has his or her moments. I don't understand how girls just look at him and reject him like they do. Why don't they see him as a beautiful, smart, guy with a heart? If they did, he would be the heartthrob Of PCHS. They say to me, “Why are you so into him, anyway? He would be so much better if he was…” this, this and that, “You wouldn’t like him so much if you lived with him…” and “ He’s just not boyfriend material.” I can’t tell you enough how tired and annoyed I am of hearing things like that. No. I don't care. I like whom I like. You do the same; so don’t try to tell me different.

Sometimes they get to me. I say to myself, “Why on earth did I like him so much? Well, not anymore.” Then when I see him again I realize that what I saw before was just what I see now. And I soften up. I never forgot about him ever, I just kept lying to myself to try, so that I won’t be hurt, so one day, I won’t have to tell him, Because I don’t love him. But I will, and I do.

You ask, but what about him? How does he feel towards you? Does he know how you feel? No, He doesn’t…for the better. I only show it in actions and gestures, even when I try my best not to. I can’t help it. I’ve never felt this way about any guy. I hope that if I do tell him, it won’t ruin our friendship; (you know how they say there’s no turning back) even if nothing happens I still want us to be friends …and I’ll be there for him. He can confide in me… I just hope that I’ll be able to tell him before someone else does…


Property of

Miz.Poetic Rhymez
A.K.A.
Kayla Ali- Joseph
A.K.A.
Kae TAj


SOmeONE ElSe poem by me

Someone else in my shoes, my hat, my clothes
Someone else in my dreams, my world, my mind…
Full of crap, full of shows, here she goes
One, two, first blows
Stole my shine
Crossed the line.
And she’ll regret it this time.

Three, four, now she’s sore
Now her tears are gonna pour,
Getting up, now she’s asking for more.
Bang, bang, on the floor
All the gore
I’ve won, I have scored
I’ve killed her
Her spirit, hopes, and dreams
Nearly everything she had
Ripped to the seams
At times I would do anything
To take her place instead
But nothing now can ease my troubles
No one gives a damn
in my bed, my life, my head…

Sorrow...Woe...and more sorrow.

I was late this morning because I missed my stupid bus.(it's because I didn't have my lucky rock I always carried around.) I had to drag my ass to the secretary, so she could sign me in and give me a detention. Who's to say I won't skip it, huh? Why couldn't I stay home? I had to read that stupid book in English class. It was alright though.

When I walked in I saw from the corner of my eye that Toni was staring at me...I don't know why but when he does look at me I always turn away. Maybe it's because Hina told him how I felt about him in January. I'm afraid he'll reject me. It'll never work...we're complete opposite when it comes to personality: I'm bubbly and sensitive, fun-loving...he's very calm, serious, and...and...obsessed with video games and wrestling. He'll never like me. He thinks I'm pretty; that's about it.

I even tried an experiment last Friday: I stuffed my boobs(I'm already a C34 so I looked HHUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE), and I put on a tight-fitting shirt. With my thin waist, big butt, and average hips, he wouldn't resist. And he didn't. He touched me. (on the shoulders...) He was talking to me, and staring into my eyes...and standing so close. I already knew he didn't like me much. It was just a test to see if he had some interest in me. He actually did.

I thought of doing it again today so that he would talk to me again. When I did it last Friday with the boobs, My instincts were telling me that I shouldn't stuff my bra, because then I would feel bad about my size and myself, even if Toni talked to me more―if he liked me better that way, I wouldn't be true to myself in order to please him. I wouldn't be true to him either. It would be an illusion.

Why did Hina tell him anything? He doesn't treat me the same anymore...after science class she called to him ,"Hey Toni, here's you're lover!" I noticed when he looked back he looked at me and quickly turned back and then he walked up the stairs faster. I answered, "Hina, grow up." I was a bit hurt. but more in the Radio room when I was talking to Toni but it seemed he was ignoring me. Either that or he didn't hear...it happened a few times, actually. I was still hurt. He talked to Alex, he talked to Hina, he talked to Jeremiah (he's a boy but still...), it seems he talks to everyone else but me. Well he greets me with a high-five or props but he doesn't really start a conversation. I do most of the time.How can you be in a relationship with someone if you have nothing in common? I can't talk about video games all the time like he does.

I don't see what every one's problem is. It seems as if everyone is asking him to go out with me instead of me. I never said I wanted to be with him...I did before...but after what he did on my birthday last year(see my older posts) I got the message: he didn't like me, he didn't want us to be set up, but I'm sure if he knew what he knows now he would be a little more considerate. I thought he already knew I liked him. At least he's the honest type. He won't pretend to like me just to have sex. I don't want to be the "sure thing".

Those other guys...are always teasing him. Why? 'cause he's weird? When will they leave him alone? At most times when they tease him and make mean jokes about him, I have a strong urge to tell them what's what and take his side. I don't want him to feel that it's him versus the world...

My math teacher, mr. Randle told me to tell him how I feel and how people would be dead for messing with him if it was up to me. I always see him at his locker, full of sadness, reddened face...It breaks my heart to see him that way. It makes me angry to see them hurt him... next time I'm stepping in big time.

Just think of this: After school, kids gone except for Ama, Ali Toni and me(not completely empty) He's at his locker gathering his stuff, and I come up to him. After a moment of silence I say,"You know," He'll probably stop and listen. "It bothers me to see you this way," I stop and turn away. He looks on,"Why?" I freeze, "Is is true what Hina told me?" I pause pretending not to know she told him "What did she tell you?" He tells me then he asks,"Do you... love me?" I stare into his eyes...

Should I tell him yes? If I do I could ruin the friendship. Should I lie and say no? Tell him everyone is lying about my feelings for him and become better friends? you tell me.

Paths

It's a full moon this week, and I don't even know what kind of spell to cast. I'm wiccan, you see. I thought of a love spell to enchant Toni, but then I realized I wouldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Doesn't he deserve to be happy? choose his own love? I don't want him to be sad with me. I want him to be happy if if it's not with me...I really do love him. If nothing happens between us I'll keep him as a friend. Everytime he looks at me, I'm sure that what Hina told him(that I love him) is at the back of his mind re-minding him. I don't want it to torchure him.

I'm on a roll with my schoolwork(kinda). I'm just a little worried about my path. Where am I going in life?

What about Toni? will we ever be together?

Lately, Ali and ama have been treating me differently. They think I'm stupid but I'll show them. MY I Q is above average. I don't think theirs is. They don't seem to be anyway. Who cares anyway? I know I'm not dumb.

Toni was home, sick today. He must have caught the epidemic that's been going around the school...I called him to tell him the homework but i'm not sure if he was lingering or not. well, probably not. I'm just bored...So...nothing.

supposed to love me.

For some people, the only man you can depend on is your dad. But is it
okay, and normal to want to be loved by a man? any man at all? I don't know anymore. I cant tell you. Because the one and very first man to ever love me...doesn't.


When we go to family outings with my grandma, uncle, stepmother and
brother and sister, I feel awkwardness and distance. When my dad was
driving me to the Chinese
restaurant where we were having our get-together, I tried to ask him
about things and he wouldn't give me a straightforward answer, or he
would answer negatively.

so there was silence and he would always glance at me to try and think of something to say but said nothing...


A mom can't be a dad no matter what; she can try, but It won't work.

Like the time it was my first day of high school, a guy tried to pick me up,
and offered me water, I rejected him. Then I told my dad, he was joking
about it " what? a random guy giving you water?" and I replied, "yeah"
he was still laughing. That's all he does, laugh, he is never serious.
He swears as apart of his humor. If I talk about serious things, he
would just laugh as if I told him a joke. I bet he would dance at my
funeral, too. and when he is serious, he's too serious, like grumpy. I
just realized that I act like that, too. how saddening.


when was in grade eight two years ago, My English teacher Mr. Dagenais, was a wonderful father, he talked about his children all the time.
Iwas late one time, and i told him my dad wasn't around, and he told me
that his father wasn't around either. That was a bonding moment. I developed a crush on him, but nothing big.

After school one day, I was doing an assignment, and he said " come on, I
gotta go home and see my kids" and I said, " you don't really mean
that," and of course the way my father was, I thought he was joking but then he said, "of course I do, they're my kids, I love them, they
are the most important people in my life." and I wanted to cry, "what
about me?" I thought to myself. "how very nice to have a father who cares..."

Another time I hurt my finger, in the summertime, and mom went to the
hospital because she had a baby, I asked him to take me to the
hospital, he said no. But he didn't say that word exactly, he says it
in a thousand different ways. " but it's gonna hurt. they're going to
cut your finger open..." and I hate pain. but this time I said I didn't
care, I just wanna get it over with, so it can go away. in those exact
words. He said no. MY dad said no.

When I was eleven in grade seven, my dad told me that if there was anything that I wanted, he would give it to me. He knows that I won't ask for anything. because
I'm kinda scared of him, saying no. the feeling i get when i do ask
him. I feel like I'm being greedy for asking, and then He starts with
the guilt trip that actually works.

The last time I saw him was on my birthday.no..my awards ceremony. He
didn't even call me. I had to call him. no Christmas present, either,
but that's not what I'm after, I just want to see him.

when I just added him on facebook, I felt queasy, and I looked at his photo album. only to find my brotherand sister there. I was happy to see them but sad to see them grow up on me.

Then I saw the whole family, Lara, Dylan, Jessica, Lara's two sisters, their
children, but no grandma, uncle Curtis, or me. "what about me" I said.
only the white family. He's ashamed of who he is...so he's ashamed of
me...

then I showed my mom my brother and sister, it drove her nuts. "where are
you." she said, that set me off. I wasn't really mad at her. I was
trying to keep it all in until my next potty break. I already made a
mental note of that.

And now that I think of it, If I never called him, he would go on with his life, and forget about me. He has a new family now...they're more important to him than me. Because they're lighter skin than me. He spends more money on them than me. they walk
around in name brand clothes, and I'm in rags.

I ask him I if I can spend time with him, and he doesn't answer. I need a father. I need my father. I need my dad. But he's no where to be found.

so i look for love in other guys and realize that no one cares.

character profiles in my blog

since I'm writing about them, I'll describe them to you...main charcters.

Ama-She's very straightforward, puts a barrier between people. She thinks she's soooo ugly because she's overweight, but I think she's pretty. I have a crush on her twin brother, Toni. nickname: cookies

Toni- Very intellectual individual, very cute(in my opinion) , kinda weird but still a very sweet guy. He makes me laugh sometimes because the things he does are so funny. I love him so much...He's not at all like other guys. nickname: Fluffy(cause of his hair)

Ali- very sexually charged person. huge boobs(harumph). bad reputation. strange emo characteristic in her.

Desi- my best friend, who isn't the smartest but I love her anyway. Attracts guys like CRAZY.

Vinny- endless flirt who tried to break up me and Desi.

Grace-friend in our group. Quiet and voice of a mouse(snowflake)

Sarah-another friend in our group. nickname:buddy(i don't know why)

Moving on...for real this time

I'm so stupid. Ever since I aded my ex, Bryan on facebook, i couldn't stay off his profile. I'll tell you details, I've mentioned him earlier in my posts.

When I was thirteen, I just moved to DDO, and I was a new girl in school. Then boys started paying attention to me. First this boy did, he was over-weight, dirty blond hair, and chubby cheeks; Bryan.(yes, I dated a white guy!) he was telling me about his friend Matt and how Matt liked me so. Until one day in music class, I was teasing him saying that he was gay and then he said, "How can I be gay if I like you?" "What?" Then he blinked as if what he said was blirted out, I was speechless. "Do you like me?" he said. I looked down and didn't say a word. Yeah, I do...

Then he started flirting with me in the library while Bryan was working on a project, in science. We had a grand old time. That is, until Bryan came in one day and said that he liked me, too. He always invited me to go to the library, play chess, do homework and stuff; it wasn't too long before he asked me to be his girlfriend.Was I starting to like Bryan? Should I be with him and forget about my crush on Matt, or tell Bryan, and break his heart, and mine?

So I came up with a poem that suggested my opinion:
letting you go...

I'm doing what's right
just letting you know
that i can't be your girl
i'm letting you go

I like you, i do, but just not enough
don't worry, you're still young
in a matter of time
you'll find true love

Please understand
i should have told you sooner; i regret not doing that
but something held me back;
longer than i planned.

And i'm sorry
please promise me
that you'll forgive me
i'm setting you free

When I gave it to him the next day, he asked me what it meant. I told him, it was a break-up poem, but since I always wrote poems; (even now, I have a strong love for writing.) he'd always read them and loved every one of them, he still didn't get it.

for a while, We talked on MSN, and had our laughs; he came up with the three words. "I love you." I practically died. "What?" "JKS" "what does "JKS" mean?"
The thing is, we were on MSN comunicating like this. I didn't know that "JKS" meant "Jokes" in MSN talk. That was my downfall. That AND letting myself fall for him.

(to be continued later...)

Back to school

I never thought I would be happy to come back to school. I mean, Why go back to school when you're near about failing everything and your best friend stole your guy, your love life is poo-poo?

All hope is not lost. I hope. I do go to school for one reason: Toni. Even though I'm not sure he likes me back...Maybe he does. He's a good friend to me, right? Right?!! Hina thinks so... and so do his friends. Speaking of which, where is he right now? Is he done his exam? Oh please. I really really want to see him before my lab exam starts. Right now I'm in the library typing out this blog, ditching my friends, Ama, Grace, and farah on the other side of the library. All I could talk about is exams, exams, exams. Which is good. For once I can concentrate; I have confidence in my exam. (I know, I know I aced it!! I just know it!!) *smiles* yeah...now I'm talking about nothing.

Wait a minute. I just saw Toni. He's done!!!! I'm so happy now. =D Now I'm gonna go talk to him.

Bad news

Happy new year dear diary,
I wonder what is in store for me this year. Will I be hurt again? or will I find someone new? I'll wait and see.

On Christmas eve I found out the worst news. It was about Vinny and Desi. Vinny asked out Desi on Friday; She told me, and he kissed her,she kissed him, all I know is that they were kissing. I always knew that he would like her, I had that feeling when she met Jeremiah. I was just getting so close to having him...maybe not...That day started with me bitching at Vinny. Luckily, Hina talks to him about my past; and then to Toni about me being in love with him. He said he would see about us.

Vinny did apologize, and he told me that it was actually Desi who came onto him. I don't know who to believe―they've both had a history of being liars. So who should I believe―the girl who steals every man I'm after, or the man who disrespects me?