Sorrow...Woe...and more sorrow.

I was late this morning because I missed my stupid bus.(it's because I didn't have my lucky rock I always carried around.) I had to drag my ass to the secretary, so she could sign me in and give me a detention. Who's to say I won't skip it, huh? Why couldn't I stay home? I had to read that stupid book in English class. It was alright though.

When I walked in I saw from the corner of my eye that Toni was staring at me...I don't know why but when he does look at me I always turn away. Maybe it's because Hina told him how I felt about him in January. I'm afraid he'll reject me. It'll never work...we're complete opposite when it comes to personality: I'm bubbly and sensitive, fun-loving...he's very calm, serious, and...and...obsessed with video games and wrestling. He'll never like me. He thinks I'm pretty; that's about it.

I even tried an experiment last Friday: I stuffed my boobs(I'm already a C34 so I looked HHUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGE), and I put on a tight-fitting shirt. With my thin waist, big butt, and average hips, he wouldn't resist. And he didn't. He touched me. (on the shoulders...) He was talking to me, and staring into my eyes...and standing so close. I already knew he didn't like me much. It was just a test to see if he had some interest in me. He actually did.

I thought of doing it again today so that he would talk to me again. When I did it last Friday with the boobs, My instincts were telling me that I shouldn't stuff my bra, because then I would feel bad about my size and myself, even if Toni talked to me more―if he liked me better that way, I wouldn't be true to myself in order to please him. I wouldn't be true to him either. It would be an illusion.

Why did Hina tell him anything? He doesn't treat me the same anymore...after science class she called to him ,"Hey Toni, here's you're lover!" I noticed when he looked back he looked at me and quickly turned back and then he walked up the stairs faster. I answered, "Hina, grow up." I was a bit hurt. but more in the Radio room when I was talking to Toni but it seemed he was ignoring me. Either that or he didn't hear...it happened a few times, actually. I was still hurt. He talked to Alex, he talked to Hina, he talked to Jeremiah (he's a boy but still...), it seems he talks to everyone else but me. Well he greets me with a high-five or props but he doesn't really start a conversation. I do most of the time.How can you be in a relationship with someone if you have nothing in common? I can't talk about video games all the time like he does.

I don't see what every one's problem is. It seems as if everyone is asking him to go out with me instead of me. I never said I wanted to be with him...I did before...but after what he did on my birthday last year(see my older posts) I got the message: he didn't like me, he didn't want us to be set up, but I'm sure if he knew what he knows now he would be a little more considerate. I thought he already knew I liked him. At least he's the honest type. He won't pretend to like me just to have sex. I don't want to be the "sure thing".

Those other guys...are always teasing him. Why? 'cause he's weird? When will they leave him alone? At most times when they tease him and make mean jokes about him, I have a strong urge to tell them what's what and take his side. I don't want him to feel that it's him versus the world...

My math teacher, mr. Randle told me to tell him how I feel and how people would be dead for messing with him if it was up to me. I always see him at his locker, full of sadness, reddened face...It breaks my heart to see him that way. It makes me angry to see them hurt him... next time I'm stepping in big time.

Just think of this: After school, kids gone except for Ama, Ali Toni and me(not completely empty) He's at his locker gathering his stuff, and I come up to him. After a moment of silence I say,"You know," He'll probably stop and listen. "It bothers me to see you this way," I stop and turn away. He looks on,"Why?" I freeze, "Is is true what Hina told me?" I pause pretending not to know she told him "What did she tell you?" He tells me then he asks,"Do you... love me?" I stare into his eyes...

Should I tell him yes? If I do I could ruin the friendship. Should I lie and say no? Tell him everyone is lying about my feelings for him and become better friends? you tell me.

Paths

It's a full moon this week, and I don't even know what kind of spell to cast. I'm wiccan, you see. I thought of a love spell to enchant Toni, but then I realized I wouldn't do it. I couldn't bring myself to do it. Doesn't he deserve to be happy? choose his own love? I don't want him to be sad with me. I want him to be happy if if it's not with me...I really do love him. If nothing happens between us I'll keep him as a friend. Everytime he looks at me, I'm sure that what Hina told him(that I love him) is at the back of his mind re-minding him. I don't want it to torchure him.

I'm on a roll with my schoolwork(kinda). I'm just a little worried about my path. Where am I going in life?

What about Toni? will we ever be together?