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| My favourite soap opera: winter sonata |
After a while of trying to get over the man I loved... I decided to Focus on other men and distract myself. And for a while it worked. I don`t see him often so It`s easier than before to just say "Yeah, whatever, I'm over him." But I'm not. Lord knows I'm not. I can fool everyone, even myself, but not God. Me and this man I love...we used to have something. At least, I hope we did...I wonder sometimes if I'm that desperate and willing to want to "see" love that's not even there.
Everywhere I go I have to watch myself. Because one minute I'm happy and optimistic about love, I`m broken. Sometimes I wonder if men can see through me. A family member told me that I looked like something was missing. "Yeah, so what? What are you going to do for me, therapist! Bring my father back? Didn't think so."
On a day like today I feel on top of the world but at the end of the day the world is on top of me. I walked out of an antique shop, crossed the street. Suddenly a man caught me eye, for a few seconds I thought it was my love, who I was taken away from. My heart was racing, My breathing sped up. Then I realised, that it was just a regular man. "What was I thinking?"
My heart was instantly broken. I`m "strong" one minute, and all it takes is a man (one who looks like him...) to break me down. I do love him, though.
I remember last year, how he reached out to me. and it ended. Now when when we see each other all we ever say is, "Hi, how are you?"
I never look into his eyes like I used to. and I giggle a lot. does he realise how happy he makes me? Even having him on Facebook makes me happy. at least he`s there so that...If I wanted to I could reach him.
He`s so close but so far away.What does he see when he looks at me? Does he remember last year... what we went through together?
I remember when we first got separated...Harsh November...and the beginning of the year was torchurous... January...February...March...April...when I saw him it was only for short periods of time. It made me go crazy...I wasn't the same again. It hurt me so much to be away from him. He was the only man who held me the way he did. His touch fortifies me. I'm stronger with him.
And now...Look at us now. There's nothing now. He doesn't love me anymore, if he ever did. I try to forget. we can never be together. Never.
I don`t have to guts to just go up to him and say, "...Do you remember everything that happened last year?" I wanted to tell him, "I'm not in love with that man...I love you. I never loved him."
My heart beats for you. Only You.
