my problems with toni-its so embarrassing--- (at the time it happened: oct. 17 /08)

when i told him it was my birthday, he told his friends and that my present would be a hug. he even wore blue, my favorite color. then i invited him, Ali and Ama to the movies. he was the only guy there(oops) so my friends made us pair up me and him, them together...it was really awkward. they went to get popcorn, left us together...he just started playing his NintendoDS ...and he asked for a hug at the end. I was a bit shocked b/cuz usually it was me who hugged him and he never hugged back. this time i felt nothing from the hug, like there was an empty feeling in my heart. isn't it supposed to feel the opposite? Have you ever felt that?

then at the arcade they started setting us up again... the little play ground(you know in mcdonalds?there was one in the arcade) they forced him to go in with me, took our bags and he just went through and left.. I left to "go the the bathroom" to start thinking but couldn't. my mind was blablabla and i came out, they had to go home. Their dad had to pick them up(my mom couldn't either, she was sad because she lost her husband that day) so me also...then i said my thank yous and left.

Ama was telling me that he didn't like me that much...hence the letter she gave me in my diary.

Oct. 20 2008

Kae,

after reading this book I understand your feelings for toni and ryan..First of all, If you did get back with ryan, i wouldnt mind at all, go ahead, its your choice, its not my life.. but i don't understand why you would anyway, personally,i dont like him because he bothered my brother.

anyway, im not stereotypical. yes, i think my brother is obsessed with videogames, computers and stuff but that doesnt mean im stereotypical. like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else. Maybe even get back with ryan, Toni isnt ready. sorry for writing in your journal. i feel bad now.
---Ama

I made a response letter:

Oct. 26, 2008

Ama,

You're right. You're absolutely right. when you said that he would only be interested in video games and nothing else, i didn't want to believe you, i tried to prove you wrong, but you were right; i found out the hard way, I thought you were just trying to dash my hopes.

I've been looking back on my journal entries in my book and i just realized― I really was coming onto him too hard, just like you said i was. I didn't know I wasn't expecting him to like me back, I was just hoping. and I don't get everything i want.

He's not my only focus. he's the first thing on my mind in the morning, but i have other goals in my life, too. When I wrote that i thought you were stereo typical, I didn't mean to offend you. And I'm sorry, I meant judgemental and it is my diary.

Just because Toni isn't ready, doesn't mean he cant like me. why do i have to get back with Ryan? he hurt me. he's a jerk.he...has a girlfriend. why would you even suggest that? If you liked my brother, i wouldn't suggest you get back with Quinn. I don't love Ryan. Sometimes I realize that I'm stuck between two worlds. But still. You were being honest, but still. I know you were speaking your mind. I am hurt. I like honesty, but I'm not strong enough to take it. So thank you very much for telling me that my dreams can't come true and I can't come to you for support.
-Kae

Oct. 27 2008

Dear Diary,

I feel betrayed by Ama, Ali, Toni... Can't believe she said that...I'm hurt so much. thats all i can say...

my emotions

Okay. So I spoke to Desi about her flirting with Vinny and she said she did it because she wanted to see my reaction because she knew I liked him. And then I told her that I kissed him, but it was on a dare, and he kissed me back, she discussed it with him and everything. Can you believe that? She told him everything! my inner thoughts about him were exposed; embarrassing―yes.

On my mother's birthday was when she found out I drew x-rated comics. I felt ashamed, and guilty that I let Ali and Ama corrupt my mind. My uncle was asking me all these damn questions,
-"Did the boys do this?"-my answer was no to his surprise.
-"Your friends?"-yes

-"Have you had sex?"-strong no with an attitude.. of course, I wouldn't tell him if I was...but I'd tell you, dearest diary.

Mom was pissed, because it was exposed to my sister, Nika, my 10 year-old sister, my punishment was that i couldn't go to my friend's party, and she didn't talk to me for a week. The only time we did communicate was when she told me what to do or nagging/blaming me for crap I didn't do. But everything is better now, I can go to the next party on Sunday. YES!!!

On Friday, Toni was really sad that day because he got into a fist fight with his sister, Ama. Toni, don't be sad...it makes me sad... I gave him a hug...because I like to see you smile...I'll do anything... smile for me. He hesitated to touch me back, and I saw that he was smiling, that faded; It worked. I felt happiness when I saw him smile― that's when I realized, I love him.

My anger towards all

I know i've kept in all my anger inside, so I'm letting it all out now.

Ali- Why are you calling me a dumbass? I'm smarter than you. What? please. you thought you where pregnant by watching the Maury show, you told me. Smart huh? Up yours Biatch. Yeah, fuck you too.

Ama-do you honestly think I care how you feel about me liking him? I can't control that and you know it. second of all, if you think im dumb, UP YOURS TOO. You don't know what it is to be in a single parent family. Don't compare 4 sisters to your brother who is a teenager. You don't even stay up with a cryin freakin baby when your mom is out partying. SHUT UP. NOW.

Vinny-don't you like Cassie? so why do you play with me? DON't touch me, Biatch.

Desi- I thought you were my best friend. how could you flirt with him? sometimes I feel like I can't trust you.

Today my life was a little less focused on toni and more on other guys. After that talk I had with my mom, I had to let him go. Of course, I couldn't completely forget about him. He means to me more than anything.

So I met this other guy named Vinny. He was sooo cute. His accent was sexy and he was a super flirt. I love those kind. When I met him he was pleading me to save him from Ali, my friend with boobs the size of her head, and a sex drive of a man; she did have quite a bit of testosterone in her. She was flirting intensely with him. Did I mention that she is Bi sexual?Yeah...from time to time she flirts with Ama(Ama doesn't say anything but secretly she doesn't enjoy it too much.) The part where I'm concerned is where Toni tries to touch her before she tells him to screw off. What bothers me most is that Alex denies that she likes him but I always see them in pictures hugging and stuff. It really bothers me.

My best friend Desi starts flirting with Vinny(vice versa), I feel betrayed once again. She has a boyfriend already...she did this once last year when we were in grade 9, when I liked this guy named Jeremiah, she found out he liked her and they went to the dance together, thus dated. I was mad. I felt betrayed but now J and I are(well, so is Desi) friends and I have no feelings left over.(when he brings up every now and then just to tease me, I get uncomfortable and defensive).

Vinny was attacking me, pulling me onto his lap and touching me. The funny thing is, whenever I call Toni for help, he's quick to help me; even if I don't call him. Vinny and Toni don't like each other, really...I just know that he'll always be on my side no matter what. He trusts me, too. He asks me to watch his locker, he left me with his cell, his D.S., he cheers me on, comforts me, and that stuff. We're actual good friends and everyone thinks he likes me, except mom.

She doesn't think any guy likes me unless they tell you, or they're right under your skin. And because of all the bad experiences she's had with men, she doesn't think or say anything positive of them. I kinda hate when she talks down to them. I love men. Just be careful with them/don't be alone with them.UNLESS you are an intimate couple. Maybe I just don't understand.

Ama clutched my arm, I jerked in surprise, I hadn't realized I was day-dreaming."What's the matter?"She asked, her eyes widened, as if eager to hear what I would say and the side of her face pressed against my arm. I always denied that something was. "Are―Are you talking to me?"I was usually in an out-of-it state when they talked amongst themselves.

********
Earlier on, Toni was playing with Ali but not me, and I was okay with that. No, I wasn't. I waited a while to say,"You're so cute," but I don't think she got the point. I pretended to smile. That's what I hated. Ali and Toni were cute.

Ali made made an announcement that she forgot her hat inside, insisted that we pair up. Frig, man. She they always do that. I wanted to avoid him and me. "Can't I just go? Can't we all go together?" He looked at me, he knew I didn't want us to be alone. I'm sorry Toni...but this is for the better of you and me.

Eventually we all went in the school together. I separated from them to drink them to drink water(I needed an excuse to be alone) When they noticed I was gone, I shrugged with raised brows and the best smile I could fake. "I was drinking water"I fake giggled. They went up the stairs, me following, I didn't realize that I was blinking back tears.

********
BACK UP....

"What's the matter?"
"Are―are you talking to me?"
"yeah"
"Nothing!"
"Are you sure?"
"yeah, nothing!" Would they really fall for that?

********
After the twins Toni and Ama left and we split.

"You're not that special!!" Ali said it as a joke because the bus stopped, and I was joking that it stopped for me."I know,"but I didn't think her joke was funny.

She was talking about her dad and how he favoured her most, giving her treats. I didn't want to think about my dad. What does she have that I have?I know Toni likes her. And I need I need to stay away from them. Maybe Ama was right; I should have listened. It's my fault.

latest feedback

I know it's been a while since I wrote a post and I'm making up for that now. I'm like thinking out loud(or on screen)...

Life for me was going rough before, but now it's going somewhat smoother. Me and Toni are becoming closer friends, always looking at me in class, while he talks to his friends he watches me. Mom thinks that he likes me as a person or as a friend but I'm not sure he lusts after me. Who am I kidding? I'm gorgeous. Of course he does. But he's such a gentleman about it. Other guys? not so. That's why he defends me. He's like my older brother.

Since my math teacher knows that I like Toni, and he saw us talking and he started smiling at me. Personally I think he kinda likes me. I like him too. He is very considerate, letting me do a re-test.

I feel like I want to be closer to Toni. I cherish our friendship, even if he's not ready for a relationship. I'm always on his side. He actually defends me from guys who try to touch me up and stuff. People think that we are actually going out because I make it obvious, and he probably does too?

Well sorta because we walk together from 1st period then to homeroom, then I split but he stops and looks back. Oopsies. maybe i should have held his arm to say goodbye before later. oh well. I just need to watch it with other people. I know people will tease us together.(they're already starting) but I don't really care. Because...I care about him.

Giving up

For the longest time, I have liked this guy. But nothing came from it. we didn't talk about my feelings toward him, not that he'd care. He's not even ready to date. I care about him a lot. but I need to keep my options open. Besides, his sister, Ama doesn't even want me to be with him. It's clear as day. she'd rather me go back to my ex, the bastard who hurt me to earn a quick buck. I would never tell her to go back to her ex if she liked my brother.

They just finished telling me that he wasn't ready. I saw how distant he was on my birthday. But so did they. But they still try to set us up.

So one afternoon I walked alongside them and Ali said, "Okay, this time you can walk with us and not with him." I got upset and walked a bit ahead. They were talking in the hallway for a million years. I was just there. So I told them I'd meet them downstairs while they have their jolly old time. "To meet your boyfriend?" Ama said, which sounded like an annoyed voice. I kinda wanted to go because he left and I wanted to be around him, and I was bored. "He's not my boyfriend." I said in the same tone to match hers. "Yet!" they teased. How it hurt me when they said that. I doubt he even likes me. I was pissed and hurt. Trying to hide it, I said, "Yeah, well, let's not get our hopes up." I walked away when Ali wanted me to "wait up". For what? No way. Not after they did this to me.

They talk amongst themselves. I'm always the outsider. The excluded one. The least important. The one who people only want to use as a back-up friend. That's me. I bet they wouldn't even notice me missing if I walked away. Everyone has a someone―be it a friend or lover. I don't have anyone, really besides family. I've ruined passed friendships, holding onto bad ones.

So Ali saw that I was upset. I told her about how me and Mini are separating and how she'd rather be with her boyfriend than me. That was part of the reason but not the whole. The rest, and most of the problem was about Toni. I didn't want to tell her about that.

She hugged me. But i didn't want a hug from her. I didn't even want to touch her, talk to her or even look at her. The girl who Toni liked instead of me. The girl who just excluded me and now wants me back.The girl who made me feel Like I was less...not good enough. Oh my gosh. Sometimes she really pisses me off.

They just don't know when to give up. So I will. No more Toni. I need to stay away from everyone. I feel like everything is screwed. Everything. Giving up.

my first blog-enjoy

Hey everyone!

My name is Kae Taj and This is my first blog ever. I'm already a writer(a talented one, too) I'm a performer(spoken word, poetry, mainly the arts)―by the way does not include Drawing! I suck at that.Maybe I've written them before, but in a diary form. anyway...enjoy!

Don't you guys ever wonder what makes guys tick? I didn't either, until I went computer crazy searching if-a-guy-likes-you quizzes and texts. Yup. I was pretty desperate. I wanted a guy to like me so badly, and I wanted more then anything to get over my ex(I'll tell you about him later) and move on. Well, I got my wish. And there are more guys willing to go for me than I thought. You wouldn't believe the amount I had to shake off in the amount of time.

I'm only fifteen years old and I'm attracting guys like crazy. Everyone tells me I have a nice body(rack, butt, figure overall, hair and face, don't forget my attitude) that's 34-26-35. I guess I'm pretty lucky. Right?Wrong. oh no.

I actually charmed this guy in my school, who people think is weird. He's kind of good looking, I guess; that's not really what I look for in guys. I need a guy with a good heart, no matter how ugly he may be.
rule: ugly on inside=ugly on the outside. Doesn't matter how cute is actually is, if his personality sucks, so will he. well, you know.

Don't make it too obvious. Show mixed signals, read texts, and take quizzes, turn on your charm. sorry I'm not being specific but I'm no love thug, know what I mean? sorry guys. But I can tell you that guys become very easy to read once you decipher their code. well, gotta go. see you guys later!