Giving up

For the longest time, I have liked this guy. But nothing came from it. we didn't talk about my feelings toward him, not that he'd care. He's not even ready to date. I care about him a lot. but I need to keep my options open. Besides, his sister, Ama doesn't even want me to be with him. It's clear as day. she'd rather me go back to my ex, the bastard who hurt me to earn a quick buck. I would never tell her to go back to her ex if she liked my brother.

They just finished telling me that he wasn't ready. I saw how distant he was on my birthday. But so did they. But they still try to set us up.

So one afternoon I walked alongside them and Ali said, "Okay, this time you can walk with us and not with him." I got upset and walked a bit ahead. They were talking in the hallway for a million years. I was just there. So I told them I'd meet them downstairs while they have their jolly old time. "To meet your boyfriend?" Ama said, which sounded like an annoyed voice. I kinda wanted to go because he left and I wanted to be around him, and I was bored. "He's not my boyfriend." I said in the same tone to match hers. "Yet!" they teased. How it hurt me when they said that. I doubt he even likes me. I was pissed and hurt. Trying to hide it, I said, "Yeah, well, let's not get our hopes up." I walked away when Ali wanted me to "wait up". For what? No way. Not after they did this to me.

They talk amongst themselves. I'm always the outsider. The excluded one. The least important. The one who people only want to use as a back-up friend. That's me. I bet they wouldn't even notice me missing if I walked away. Everyone has a someone―be it a friend or lover. I don't have anyone, really besides family. I've ruined passed friendships, holding onto bad ones.

So Ali saw that I was upset. I told her about how me and Mini are separating and how she'd rather be with her boyfriend than me. That was part of the reason but not the whole. The rest, and most of the problem was about Toni. I didn't want to tell her about that.

She hugged me. But i didn't want a hug from her. I didn't even want to touch her, talk to her or even look at her. The girl who Toni liked instead of me. The girl who just excluded me and now wants me back.The girl who made me feel Like I was less...not good enough. Oh my gosh. Sometimes she really pisses me off.

They just don't know when to give up. So I will. No more Toni. I need to stay away from everyone. I feel like everything is screwed. Everything. Giving up.