my problems with toni-its so embarrassing--- (at the time it happened: oct. 17 /08)

when i told him it was my birthday, he told his friends and that my present would be a hug. he even wore blue, my favorite color. then i invited him, Ali and Ama to the movies. he was the only guy there(oops) so my friends made us pair up me and him, them together...it was really awkward. they went to get popcorn, left us together...he just started playing his NintendoDS ...and he asked for a hug at the end. I was a bit shocked b/cuz usually it was me who hugged him and he never hugged back. this time i felt nothing from the hug, like there was an empty feeling in my heart. isn't it supposed to feel the opposite? Have you ever felt that?

then at the arcade they started setting us up again... the little play ground(you know in mcdonalds?there was one in the arcade) they forced him to go in with me, took our bags and he just went through and left.. I left to "go the the bathroom" to start thinking but couldn't. my mind was blablabla and i came out, they had to go home. Their dad had to pick them up(my mom couldn't either, she was sad because she lost her husband that day) so me also...then i said my thank yous and left.

Ama was telling me that he didn't like me that much...hence the letter she gave me in my diary.

Oct. 20 2008

Kae,

after reading this book I understand your feelings for toni and ryan..First of all, If you did get back with ryan, i wouldnt mind at all, go ahead, its your choice, its not my life.. but i don't understand why you would anyway, personally,i dont like him because he bothered my brother.

anyway, im not stereotypical. yes, i think my brother is obsessed with videogames, computers and stuff but that doesnt mean im stereotypical. like i always say, maybe hes not ready to date, like he doesnt want to, he wants to pass high school with good grades. you can't just like him to like you right back right away. Toni is awesome and all but you cant get everything you want. im not trying to boss you around but maybe you should concentrate on something else. Maybe even get back with ryan, Toni isnt ready. sorry for writing in your journal. i feel bad now.
---Ama

I made a response letter:

Oct. 26, 2008

Ama,

You're right. You're absolutely right. when you said that he would only be interested in video games and nothing else, i didn't want to believe you, i tried to prove you wrong, but you were right; i found out the hard way, I thought you were just trying to dash my hopes.

I've been looking back on my journal entries in my book and i just realized― I really was coming onto him too hard, just like you said i was. I didn't know I wasn't expecting him to like me back, I was just hoping. and I don't get everything i want.

He's not my only focus. he's the first thing on my mind in the morning, but i have other goals in my life, too. When I wrote that i thought you were stereo typical, I didn't mean to offend you. And I'm sorry, I meant judgemental and it is my diary.

Just because Toni isn't ready, doesn't mean he cant like me. why do i have to get back with Ryan? he hurt me. he's a jerk.he...has a girlfriend. why would you even suggest that? If you liked my brother, i wouldn't suggest you get back with Quinn. I don't love Ryan. Sometimes I realize that I'm stuck between two worlds. But still. You were being honest, but still. I know you were speaking your mind. I am hurt. I like honesty, but I'm not strong enough to take it. So thank you very much for telling me that my dreams can't come true and I can't come to you for support.
-Kae

Oct. 27 2008

Dear Diary,

I feel betrayed by Ama, Ali, Toni... Can't believe she said that...I'm hurt so much. thats all i can say...

my emotions

Okay. So I spoke to Desi about her flirting with Vinny and she said she did it because she wanted to see my reaction because she knew I liked him. And then I told her that I kissed him, but it was on a dare, and he kissed me back, she discussed it with him and everything. Can you believe that? She told him everything! my inner thoughts about him were exposed; embarrassing―yes.

On my mother's birthday was when she found out I drew x-rated comics. I felt ashamed, and guilty that I let Ali and Ama corrupt my mind. My uncle was asking me all these damn questions,
-"Did the boys do this?"-my answer was no to his surprise.
-"Your friends?"-yes

-"Have you had sex?"-strong no with an attitude.. of course, I wouldn't tell him if I was...but I'd tell you, dearest diary.

Mom was pissed, because it was exposed to my sister, Nika, my 10 year-old sister, my punishment was that i couldn't go to my friend's party, and she didn't talk to me for a week. The only time we did communicate was when she told me what to do or nagging/blaming me for crap I didn't do. But everything is better now, I can go to the next party on Sunday. YES!!!

On Friday, Toni was really sad that day because he got into a fist fight with his sister, Ama. Toni, don't be sad...it makes me sad... I gave him a hug...because I like to see you smile...I'll do anything... smile for me. He hesitated to touch me back, and I saw that he was smiling, that faded; It worked. I felt happiness when I saw him smile― that's when I realized, I love him.

My anger towards all

I know i've kept in all my anger inside, so I'm letting it all out now.

Ali- Why are you calling me a dumbass? I'm smarter than you. What? please. you thought you where pregnant by watching the Maury show, you told me. Smart huh? Up yours Biatch. Yeah, fuck you too.

Ama-do you honestly think I care how you feel about me liking him? I can't control that and you know it. second of all, if you think im dumb, UP YOURS TOO. You don't know what it is to be in a single parent family. Don't compare 4 sisters to your brother who is a teenager. You don't even stay up with a cryin freakin baby when your mom is out partying. SHUT UP. NOW.

Vinny-don't you like Cassie? so why do you play with me? DON't touch me, Biatch.

Desi- I thought you were my best friend. how could you flirt with him? sometimes I feel like I can't trust you.